07 March 2009

living in gratitude 22: the yo yo + the sacred

Been going up and down like a yo-yo emotionally.
Yesterday did the IRM and more tests and met the aneasthesist. Felt very off after the IRM. Not sure if it was more psychological or actually physical.

After having felt really strong emotionally in the morning, and then feeling like I had been knocked off the swing by the afternoon with the IRM, I enjoyed being coddled by the company of my friend Kim who took me for a walk through the Jardins Luxembourg, where we sat in the sun.

Miriam my friend from Berkley had stressed that I do every hospital visit with a loved one. Her mum had done the process alone when she was being treated and had deeply regretted having to be along and not giving herself the opportunity to share the moments.

In the evening Carmen, a friend from Ottowa called me to tell me : be grateful for all you are going through.
(Easier said than done when I'm on the down-slope... I thought..)

She is quebecois, so her first language is French: "
Nathalie, toute a une âme. Le rapport entre ton chirugien et toi as une âme. La therapie de la chemeo a une âme. Tout est sacré pour toi. Chaque choses est sacré...ce processus est sacré... tout est là pour t'aider, pour te guérir...je ne subi pas, je m'engage à me guérir "

Translation is that everything has a soul. The relationship with your surgeon has a soul, the actual chemotherapy has its own soul. (This in turn, ) makes everything sacred for you. Each part is sacred. The whole process is sacred for you... everything is there to help me, I don't "put up" with anything, I commit to the healing.

She continued to explain how the body is so wonderful, how it has the capacity to heal, the need to tell the body "je l'aime". And that at times, I won't have a choice but to feel unwell but to even embrace those moments as they are the stepping stones to becoming well. HOW EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON OUT ATTITUDE... the ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE...

At first, I responded "what?????, you have got to be kidding ?!!!!"
I feel more like I am going through a type of "forced" healing. On one level, I know it's all perfect for me to go through what I am going through (the deep inner knowing of self speaking here) and I will be all the better for this emotionally, physically and spiritually. This is the giant-steps-growing of my Life. And then the human side kicks in : depressed, afraid, angry and feeling generally shitty with the whole bloody process.

But the more Carmen spoke to me with her loving voice, the more I heard what she was saying:

Every aspect of this is the sacred journey.
And every aspect of this journey needs to experienced/ seen from the view point that it is sacred.

And to be able to reach that point, is not an intellectual journey. I cannot "tell" myself this. I cannot stay in my "head". Because most of what is in my head is a whole jumble of thoughts and emotions which just takes me around and around. And sometimes there is clarity and then I'm off for another round of emotions and thoughts which spin around like atoms.

I really need to get myself into a relaxed space (the meditation/ relaxing cds are helping me on this). And that relaxed state opens up that space where the deep inner knowing can hear. So this is what I am focusing on the most at the moment.

My favourite coat in various zones of Institut-Marie-Curie.


Anonymous said...

I was just reading your blog about what you are going through. The very first thing that occurred to me after I was again saddened by your having to go through this was how eloquent and honest your pictures and your words are. I don't know if I could do that in the same set of circumstances. This makes you one of my my heroes.

For relaxing and yet inspiring music from an emotional, philosophical and audio point of view, try www.hos.com . This is Hearts of Space, and they have an almost 900 program archive of music from all over the world mixed with a bit of philosophy and knowledge. If you give it a try, check out the "Genre" tab. I have bought books mentioned in Steven Hill,s introduction to each program. I use it when I am relaxed but especially when I am in turmoil. I highly, highly recommend it. If you like it, let me know and I will buy you a subscription to the archive Music gets me through hard times and expresses my soul in happy and unhappy times.

No need to answer unless you would like me to purchase this musical archive for you. I will keep a check on you through your blogs. My heardt will ride with you Monday and Tuesday. Your Houston Mom Beverly

Anonymous said...

Hi Natalie,
the comment from your friend at Berkely to ensure that you have loved ones with you when you are visiting hospital.
The strength in that emotion is so important. I experienced visiting my father who had cancer, where there wasn't the support of loved ones and on my second visit, experienced it where a loving family surrounds you and it's such a difference for everyone involved, especially the person dealing with such a courageous battle, you can notice and accept the enormity of this healing emotion.
I can see you so very clearly in your mango blanket, it's such a gorgeous colour and so very vibrant. Loving thoughts are sent your way from Australia.