31 March 2009

living in gratitude 41 : final hours of treatment

I am coming into the final hours of treatment. Tonight at midnight, I will be unhooked off the machine which has been healing me (see above with my sweet toes poking out).

Woke up this morning at 4.30 am feeling in pain and with nausea. I thought with dread, not another day of feeling crap again... Fortunately by 9.30 am I was back into managing the pain but still feeling a bit on the fried side...

I had two lovely visits today : in the morning, Ben Lee (an australian friend who is on tour and performing in Paris tonight) , brought his beautiful presence and was gorgeous company in between treatments (my visits can only be maximum 40 minutes between every 20 minute treatment).

In the afternoon my younger brother David (he's 22 years old) visited with my mum. It was the first time he had seen me since I was diagnosed, he looked rather perplexed at seeing his big sister lying on her back hooked up to this machine with a yellow-black RADIATION symbol on it.

I asked him, "is it difficult to see me like this David?"

He responded: "Why is this happening to you Nathalie???"

I told him there were two ways of looking of it :
one was, that I got the HPVirus and that it is a STD which becomes a cancer tumor when not surveyed with yearly pap smears. And I was telling him this so that he knew how important it is for the women he knows to have pap smears yearly.

The other way of looking at this was : everything that happens in life is karma... With every action there is a reaction.
I went onto say that this is part of my journey and however hard and arduous it has been, I have been learning so much about myself, about my own truth, what I understand to be important + right for me, becoming more aware of my emotional landscape and above all, I have been, for the first time in my life, deciphering and truly listening to my needs (rather than responding to a "gotta be a good girl syndrome/ gotta do things right/ gotta do what is right by certain standards -").

The karma explanation didn't go down so well, and I didn't know how to explain it further to someone who is spiritually curious and open and learning such concepts.

David and mum then to the latin quarter and AMMAZINGLY Ben passed by a taxi, with the window open...David called out, Ben heard and they waved to eachother ... The surrendipidous encounter made me smile.

So this really is the countdown, I have been feeling fuzzy in the head all day and tonight after having a long conversation with D in NYC, I had the strong feeling that "I have everything I need for the next chapters of my life," that going through this gruelling experience has been a very strengthening journey. One thing which really stuck for me in the conversation was "you don't need to change anything, just be aware of it."

Tonight at midnight, the radiation machine is turned off and I am unhooked !!!! no more radiation !!! Then at 6 am tomorrow I get woken up to go into the operating theatre, for 8am to have the apparatus removed from my cervix. So tonight I'll sleep with the apparatus inside me but it does mean, that for the first time in 6 days i'll be able to lie on my side for longer than 5 minutes ! and will even give a go at lying on my tummy !! how lovely!

I'll spend the rest of tomorrow getting over the general aneasthetic and then, all being well, head home around 5pm.

The next challenge will be to climb the 5 flights of stairs (I have no elevator) to the appartment... After not having used my legs for 6 days that may be a very very slow climb...

A final note, during treatment today, as I have been feeling a bit off most of the time (I literally feel that my body is cooking... too much radiation and too much medication for the little body to cope with), I have visualised myself surrounded by the cooling rays of the moon... so I'd love to have some support of the cooling and loving light of the moon around me. So please keep visualising !

I won't post anything on Wednesday - be back on this blog on Thursday from the comfort of being able to sit up in my own bed...


Anonymous said...

dear nat, it is 11 pm while I'm reading this. One hour left for you with the machine on! thanks for keeping note on your blog. i'm glad that I can keep in touch and hear how you are even being far away. Tonight we have a lot of clouds around the Mont Blanc. But the evening is cool! Last snow fell last week. I send you some fresh air from here. kisses & hugs

Frank said...

40 more minutes. I send the cooling dry winds of Santa Fe (holy faith) your way. Its been a privilege to watch this journey from afar.

Anonymous said...

Hello Darlin'

You made it!

It Rains and rains in Sydney...sending it all your way - coolness and moisture for your most private bits.

Hugging you from the other side of the planet.


Anonymous said...

dear Nat,

Thinking of you on this amazing journey. What an insight we have into your experience.
Sending you love, coolness, air, light, moisture, strength. The pain will pass.

Joanna xx

Anonymous said...

Oh yea!!!!! You are done, and you have been such an inspiration on this journey. I am so, so impressed at your courage and insight. I am sending the cool light of the spring Texas moon to you tonight. Love from Houston Mom

Anonymous said...

so glad to hear your treatment is over! i thought of you today when i was lying in a dentist chair in only mild discomfort for an hour, i can't imagine how you managed to cope with so much for so long... thanks for your blog i've so enjoyed reading it, you're an inspiration!
love and light
Helen xo

Kym said...

There is lots of sunlight and clear skies here in London - sending you cool Spring breezes today and will capture some moonlight tonight for you too... xx