28 March 2009

living in gratitude 37 : 88 hours to go

i dont have my camera with me today so am photographing with photobooth from my mac.
Feeling drugged out - so I will keep things short here. Drawings : of the process with oil pastels and loving it.

This first is from series of dreams i had leading up to the radiotherapy:
the house is not safe
the clan has abandoned.

This one before the treatment began : has words including :
this is a turning point ,
why me,
i don't want this to happen.
i don't want radiotherapy,
is this really happening,
this is the tranformation.


This was drawn in excruticating pain of my back today - it seemed the only way to be able to focus on something than the pain; The words integrated into image include:
dicomfort always

no relief
this is really hard

120 hours radiotherapy treament in 6 days

107 hours remain

103 hours of radiation remains

I'm still in constant pain : the word include:

103 hours
this is the hardest physical thing i have gone through
why does this feel so hard?
it hurts all the time
i just want to be able to stand
I will be OK
my back is alwas hurting
only 4 more days

97 hours of treartment left - after getting morpheine

phew this is comfot
i can be calm
no pain

88 hours remaining
thank you to all the great healers
the radiation iswhat will heal me
the radiotherapy will save my life
this could have killed me but will save me.
i am falling aseep
was given sleeping pills - they work

my tag i ripped of tonight.

Nat + goddess durga - nat stuck on her back for 120 hours


Anonymous said...

My Dear Nat, wrapped in an indigo and white blanket of love, there should be a book in your future...with photos,prose, poetry and,drawings...beautiful,painful,eloquent,strong,confused,that gamut you are running. I love you and I read/watch daily. Houston Mom

Elaine Duigenan said...

Nathalie, hi! I had no idea that you are not well - only just realised from your Facebook. Here's sending you a huge amount of love - If i could do some of those hours for you - I would! Take care, love and prayers from Elaine (in a cold wet London on a day when 35,000 of us marched for a better world!)

Shelley Heath said...

Hi Natalie, I have just stumbled across your blog. You probably don't remember me but we went to Somerville together.
I am sorry to hear the health battles you are having and am sending you thoughts of positive energy.
Just reading through your blog you have had some amazing times since getting rid of the kermit green uniform of Somerville.