01 April 2009

living in gratitude 42 : end of radiotherapy

Here is the first gesture I did, when i got unplugged from the radiation machine at about 1am this morning: took off my tights (have to wear them to prevent blog clotting) and massaged my legs with baby cream.

I was still not able to sit up because the apparatus was still in place inside my pelvic region but I could lift up and touch my legs. It was a delicious moment of appreciation of my lovely legs which I hadn't seen or touched all week - when one is on one's back: one's legs seem a long way away...

Last night, close to midnight, I was trying to visualise being bathed by the moon's rays but having so much difficulty to stay focused.

My mind was all over the shop and was physically having difficulty as I felt like my body was slowly cooking - I couldn't stand it. It was as if my body just got to the point of "NO MORE TREATMENT". Furthermore, I was supposed to take a whole bunch of pills which i couldn't my stomach felt like a jar of pills. I felt like I had eaten more pills than food in the last 6 days + I just couldn't take another pill. So I took one anti-biotic + the strongest pain killer and left the rest on the table.

When the treatment did end, I waited for about an hour to be 'unplugged' from the machine (which was a bit like having the umbilicial cord cut which started inside the pelvic region, went down through the vagina to the machine...)

self portrait : un-plugged and feeling quietly victorious.
after 120 hours of radiotherapy,
after 133 hours of being plugged.

For the hours following I couldn't sleep, it was a few silent, beautiful hours in the quiet of the middle of the night: I felt like a warrior who had gone through some intense (initiation) process and had come through the other side.

I woke up again at 4:30 am, left my brother Yann, a Happy Birthday message : I understood how tired my voice was when I was leaving the message - not sure how he received it: "tell him, I wish him a Happy Birthday, I have just finished my radiotherapy and have my next operation in the morning." I was snoozing, half awake when the nurse came in at 5:45 to wash me for the next operation (to get the apparatus out of the pelvic region). I bled when they took it out, so the doctor wanted to survey me a day longer (for which i am grateful as I slept all day and still feel very dizzy and weak).

I sat up for the first time this afternoon at 4.30pm with my little brother david, holding me up. That was a dizzying feat. Tomorrow I'll take my first steps in my new warrior form.

Back home around midday - and the next test after taking my first steps, will be : how do I climb 5 flights of stairs???
V E R Y S L O W L Y ....

For visualisations, keep the moon shining on me.


yabyum said...

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war.
Sun Tzu. "The Art of War" (c. 6th century BC)

Manos said...

Trillions of healing Sun rays from Greece Nathalie . .

Yes, now you know who that is ; - ))
And you are the only one who can explain
why on earth ! ! !
This morning I thought of you ....
after several centuries .........
and started searching for you on the net . . .

a huge warm hug manos

p.s. i wish I had your phone No !
p.s. use : manos7000 at gmail to reach me .