Today went for my first check-up since treatment, the doctor was "very happy" with the physical side ... she could see that the tumor has reduced (and is still reducing since it got radiated to smithereens).
She seemed happy + I cried throughout the consultation. I told her how awful I thought the treatment was, and that the post-treatment was even worse. And I asked her if we could skip out on the hysterectomy.
She said a clear "no".
I knew she would say this... but I thought it was worth a try...
We discussed the relentless fatigue + depression. She said the fatigue was a good thing for me, "to face the sadness I have to go through". She said that if I was healthier and more energetic at this stage, I'd be more likely to avoid the emotional pain I need to evacuate NOW(as I'd be able to run around + away from it, as I have done in the past).
She said that my efforts during the treatment of radiotherapy were perhaps "too good"... that I should have done more crying and getting angry during it...
I said told her I DID cry + get angry during the treatment.
She said "but the nurses said you were delightful... and you really needn't have been. Other patients cry and scream..."
"If you had seen my drawings, I wasn't going through much delight. I felt the only way I could go through that ghastly process was make an entire meditation/ prayer out of it... I really didn't feel like I had range to 'lose it'/ freak out...I did, after all, have a tube of radiation between my legs, going up through me directly to the uterus... and wasn't able to move for six days...didn't feel like it was the the best opportunity for a serious meltdown..."
She encouraged me to cry more, go through the emotions("or else you'll be dealing with a greater depression in two or three years... which will be much worse"). She suggested I see a psychiatrist to prepare me for the hysterectomy.
'But I already see a therapist twice a week regarding this cancer!'
"You need to see a psychiatrist in house...one of ours - we want you in a better space of acceptance for the hysterectomy..."
And then she went on to tell me how she understands I DO NOT WANT A HYSTERECTOMY.... (which made me cry more) ...
So all in all... good news on the tumor (which I had forgotten, as I was wiping my tears) + a load of fear regarding the next step (operation).
Guardian angel Elise is organising the roster of my paris based crew to come + cook each night - a triple whammy as I get to eat delicious food, have groceries done + am assured loving company each day. Here she is with a bouquet of radishes she found at the markets.
Your gifts + cards are VERY appreciated - today I came home from the doctor's appointment at Institut Marie Curie - to find that my letter box was full of hand made peruvian chocolates sent from a dear friend in sydney ... + 2 lovely cards... it put a smile on my face + made the climbing 5 flights of stairs a much easier task.