07 April 2009

living in gratitude 46 : the hard yards

my natural supplements to strengthen me - a part of the daily dosage

Thank you all for your loving thoughts, beautiful letters, sweet emails, thoughtful gifts.

Haven't been able to do the blog since I got back home... the first days were overwhelming, as I couldn't believe how unwell I was feeling.



I am constantly thinking of these words, and I focus on my breath for nourishment.

Am finding everything difficult at the moment. I find it hard to fall asleep at night as my anxiety levels hit high when I lie in bed at night. My anger is high from having had to go through the radiation and feeling as bad as I do... I keep thinking, "it was enough to go through that last week... and now I have to feel this bad each day as a consequence? I felt bad before the radiation... now I feel worse...and weaker..." It is as if there was no reward from last week's mammoth -warrior-efforts... just more focus required to getting the body (physical + emotional) better...

I have never been this physically incapacitated in my life - so it is a whole new ball game.

The big event of my day is that I climb my five floors (only once a day)+ venture across the road into the park - each day, a bit more, a few metres further into the park. It's exhausting to do but I know I need to strengthen myself.

Anything I need from shops, I have to ask around for people to get it for me as the park is the only physical destination I can reach at the moment.

Am doing some Chiqong + very soft yoga postures to comfort my traumatised body. (I really do feel like I am going through a post- trauma after that radiation-marathon.)

Still drawing lots.

I have never had to go through a major illness before - having the flu for a day or running myself into exhaustion is about as far as I have had to go (which means a recovery of a day or two of good sleep...)
NOW It feels like I'm doing the hard yards... it's taking much more than a few days of good sleep to get better... but i'm on the path ,focused and determined + and although the heart feels rather worn down and tired right now... i keep reminding myself that, all this too, shall change.


Anonymous said...

We are all with you in spirit Nathalie. No one else can do the trial by fire for you but we're here as close to by your side as we can be, radiating LOVE! xoxoxox yb

Kym said...

The journey may be many steps Nata but you can only take each step at a time...last week was the rush of the immediate battle with its warrior-like attitudes but courage comes in the small, un-noticed, heroic steps we take every day - you said in one of your blogs early in the process that this was about 'living with cancer' - so taking care of the small victories and paying attention to the daily moments.. stay hopeful and be gracious with yourself...we are all there with you Love, Kym xx

WM said...

Salut, nous ne nous connaissons pas. On s'est un jour croisé à Houston en 2004. Nous apprécions bcp ton travail. Nous t'envoyons toutes nos forces. Bien à toi.
Patrick & Christine

Anonymous said...

Dear Nati Nat,
The girls and I are thinking of you here. There's an orphanage across from my mother's house in Cambodia. We hear the babies crying during the day. Poor little dearies. The neighbor's tractor keeps us on our toes and is very active. My dad sends his thoughts too and I bet that my mom would do the same if only she would put the cell phone down. I'm happy that you have good friends ready to help to run errands because you have many flights of stairs. Do you have an elevator? All our best wishes and kisses on your cheeks. As the girls would say: "Courage Nati nat, courage!" Listen to Plastic Jesus to cheer up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F-5kpyD4cE

Anonymous said...

I am staying in Edgecliff-Paddo at the moment. When I arrived here I went for a long walks. I got lost. And it's bloody hilly. The signs always seem to always say, "No Through Road". But the secret is that is there is always a way through. There is always a path less well trodden. There is always a bush to move. You will find your way through, Nat.

PIrkka said...

Your drawings, photos and stories just made my cry. We've only met a couple of times, but every time you have made all around feel at ease with your warmth and friendliness.

It is such a gift that I only wish I could give you something similar back at these times of your recovery.

Kaikkea hyvää sinulle Nathalie!