10 April 2009

living in gratitude 47 : drawing drawing drawing

text :
getting cancer:
I never imagined it would be a part of my life's scenario.
Yet here I am.


Jane, a friend in the UK suggested a few weeks ago that I write + write + draw + draw + draw...and when I got tired of it, to do some more.... that is what I have ended up doing...

The drawings are definately not upbeat for the moment - but it will give you an idea of the emotional space I have travelled through post-intensive-radiation.

I am putting these up also, to help people who have not gone through cancer, to better understand the process (rather than be fearful of it).


text : nobody told me it was going to be this hard- that I was going to be fatigued mentally, to feel so much emotional fatigue (my heart feels so worn down at the edges), physical fatigue... being sick fatigue : day in day out, morning, evening, waking up in the morning this is how I feel. The desire to fall asleep in loving, strong arms.



*

Cancer happens to a lot of people, and it isn't a politically correct illness: in the waiting rooms at Institut Marie Curie, it is so obvious that cancer hits anyone: the rich, the poor, the young, the old and europeans, asians, africans, every race...


text : The desire to be COMFORTED

*
If, through my process, I can help you understand a little better so that next time when you hear that someone is going through the process of being treated for cancer, (or you probably know of someone going through cancer -) ...grasp an understanding that it's important to be there for them in the simplest way, that it is vital to go beyond your own fear of what their illness may project onto you.




text :
Last night I couldn't sleep.
I remembered a conversation with my oncologist :
"could we keep my ovaries after the hysterectomy?"
"No, in any case, the radiation destroys the ovaries."

MY OVARIES HAVE FRIED.


text :
How many hours did I spend on that bed with the radiation apparatus inside? FLAT ON MY BACK
120 hours radiation
7-8 hours on first day awaiting for treatment to begin
8 hours extra- mistake made with daylight saving
8 hours on last day awaiting operation to remove apparatus

TOTAL 143 or 144 HOURS

It is very hard to fall asleep at night. I keep thinking the radiation machine will turn on again. click click.click. But it is not there, I am ALONE in my bed in my appartment. I CAN'T SLEEP.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kisses ybx

Anonymous said...

Dear Nathalie,
Did you receive my omimai ?
I check your message every day !
Ryoko

(Text)ure and (me)aning said...

After looking at your heart renching, beautiful drawings (that come out from the dark)
I though about this bit of writing about the cave paintings found in the Ardeche gorges, taken from John Bergers 'Here is where we meet':
"These rock paintings were made where they were, so that they might exist in the dark. They were FOR the dark. They were hidden in the dark so that what they embodied would outlast everything visible, and promise, perhaps, survival."
You have survived.
You have the strength of ages
You have so much strength.
and you have survived.
I bow to you and your bravery.


The full moon and all her beams was sent to you from a beach near Lennox heads..