22 April 2009

living with gratitude 55 : the bus, the breath, the depths

ticket of the bus I took down the hill

Yesterday was a huge day, as it was the first time to catch a bus in over a month... I didn't go far, just down the hill, but it was a big start... I had the strength to walk all way to the bus stop, get on the bus and walk to my destination... red earth centre where I am learning yoga breathing with my yoga-teacher friend Louisa (until now she visited me at home).

Yesterday, I was strong enough to do some stand-up postures + we both recognised that I was OK with the passive poses (whereas I had been fearful of them when I tried for the first time - when my body still traumatised after radiation treatment, even really passive yoga postures raised a load of fear.) It was lovely to see how my body has changed from traumatised to becoming feeling more "ok". And I was also very, very grateful to Louisa's guidance + to my body for healing and getting stronger.

The "day out adventure" exhausted me so much, I slept for 12 hours!

photo: a mini aquarium (with plastic fish which swim around) from my sister sent from australia... it makes me smile it is so silly.

I have been collecting women's stories of their experience of having a hysterectomy. Varied experiences. The emotional journey seems much greater than the surgery from what I have gathered so far. Thanks so much for those whom have contacted me. I'm still continuing to learn more, hear more, read more.

I could say that yesterday there was a big shift in my acceptance of the surgery. I see the surgeon tomorrow so he will be able to answer my querying mind.

tolerate it - you will go through the depths of despair.

A friend told me recently...

and it seems as if each day is filled of
E V E R Y emotion - from total gratitude and appreciation for the little water drop on a leaf or a blossom in the park, to the centered feeling in qi gong, or the kindness received in the letter I found in my letter box this morning to laugh on the phone from a "just a quick call, to check how you are going" (said in the silliest accent to make me giggle) to the sheer physical exhaustion at 11 in the morning, to deep sadness + pain after lunch, to a further sense of surrender / acceptance for a hysterectomy, then a visit from veronique for a massage, so relaxation + comfort to then go into 4pm + a sense of huge fustration of the present journey, then heavy heart of rage at 8pm tonight, to the walk across the road to again be thankful for all the beauty and the incredible setting red sun + tears released upon return...

My guess is that this process is possibly making me into a deeper, an even more loving , compassionate + fierce person... embracing every aspect of it.


Anonymous said...

Haven't been near the internet for a week or so. Encouraged by the bus trip. Had dinner with four sisters from Bris Vegas last week. Their thoughts are with you. One had had a mastectomy not long back. She has now bounced back. There is rubber in your soul. You will too. (Will try to call or Skype you this weekend.)

(Text)ure and (me)aning said...

The first threads or lines of the Rumi poem
'Of Being Woven' are:

"The way is full of genuine sacrifice.

The thickets blocking the path are anything
that keeps you from that, any fear
that you may be broken to bits like a glass bottle.
This road demands courage and stamina,
yet its full of footprints! Who are
these companions? They are rungs
in your ladder. use them!
With company you quicken your ascent......"

Miso, Siberian Ginseng, I'm sure you already know....