30 April 2009

living in gratitude 57 : the ebb + flow

Haven't been able to update my blog as the grief has been overwhelming. I had no desire to communicate and had no idea what I could possibly say.

I have continually had a different friend turn up each day with a meal (and honestly, that, I believe their visits + love + smiles have kept my sanity).

AND the POSTAL-GODS have been kind to me, as EVERY DAY I have had a hand-written card in my letter box or gift (talk about perfect distribution... to get something E.A.C.H. D.A.Y.)

so each day, as I have gone to the letter box (on my way to the numerous doctor's appointments) I have had a smile sent to my heart however overwhelmed I have felt.

The gift (of receiving)

This image is dedicated to the many many gifts
(making them into a constant gift of LOVE + appreciation)
I have received in gratitude during these difficult times.

the grief...

as I have had the energy to update my blog, it is a sign that I am feeling more courageous with the journey. The courage definately took a real beating and disappeared all week. Here are a few of the drawings from the last week.

I understand why people give up the fight.

I have reached saturation, this now feels too hard,
too painful, too much, not enough support

the journey feels very human,
very painful within a spiritual being

the pain the loss

drawing copied by my surgeon's sketch when
I asked "what exactly are you taking out?"

it's all going (orange= surgery)
(the cancer is the little light blue spot)
the cancer is so small .. and so much is being taken out!

meeting after the psychiastrist at institut marie curie
she said i didn't speak about the cancer... I thought I only spoke about all the pain that it has woken up...
the pain + broken sense is there, so raw

the wave feels too huge


Anonymous said...

So good to hear from you again. What colour are we sending now...the pomegranates and their divine hues are beautiful here....dreaming of you floating and twisiting around but smiling..must be the impending relief
xxx barragga bay

victor said...

Please, please, please remember to do those little breathing exercises! Just put your attention to your nostrils and watch the breath come in and then pass out. It DOSE help. Even just doing it for a couple of seconds. I had cancer surgery and hormone treatment and the dreaded radio(nuclear) therapy. I didn't want to live. But I counted my breaths. How could that help? It just did.
You do it indoors when you feel awful.
You do it in a bus or a cab.
You do it in waiting rooms.
You do it as you are wheeled about in hospital. You do it as you go under.
We all love you so much and we will all be thinking about you even more on May 4 - and onwards.