living in gratitude 70 : sketchbook # 12

I thought I was going to head back to my appartment today as I had ventured up the 5 flights of stairs at Rose's appartment building yesterday morning... I was sure I was fine - but I was so tired from it that I slept for half an hour afterwards...and was exhausted for the rest of the day...
Rose + Morgan said I need to take it slowly... the soul wants to soar, the body is recuperating ever so slowly...

text : feeling like a steam roller has rolled over me

Here is sketchbook # 12.
For the first week after I came out of hospital, I was so depleted physically + emotionally, I had no creative output whatsover, no desire to pick up a pen, to update the blog or to draw...

These drawings started in the second week after coming out of hospital around the 15 May.
I was staying (and still am) at Rose's home, as I couldn't (and still cannot) climb the 5 flights of stairs home. Rose's appartment, opposite the mosque has a lift.

Now I am itching to get back to my flat.

text : the skin feels numb
the surface between the world + my
internal broiling
I cannot express
ANYTHING

text : Nothing much to say
I'm in bed most of the day

text : this feels so hard

text : Earlier this week I would wake up in tears
dreams of rage
dream of wanting to divorce my family
dream of the more toxic relationships in my life
too much grief
I can't do the grief
and healing this
huge wound
for now one thing at a time. Let's heal the body
first - then the emotional
body.

text :
He asked me "how do you feel?"

a question which often starts a phone conversation

"I feel EVERYTHING at once" I answered

"I feel tired, I feel rage, fustrated, joy, sadness, anger, free, imprsioned, regret, gratitude, abandoned, supported, worn out yet new, all of it. It's all in me - the multitude of faces all at once, being felt.

text : settling into a quieter internal space

text : I AM ALIVE
NO MORE BLEEDING
NO MORE OVULATION

THIS IS NMY NEW RELEASE OF LIFE


THIS IS MY 2ND PART OF LIFE

I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS

the gratitude + pain

the deep grief of a hyterectomy which took place in my body

NO MORE POTENTIAL OF BEING PREGNANT

NEVER THE POSSIBLITY TO BE PREGNANT

HAVING TO REMIND MY SELF THAT I COULD HAVE DIED OF THIS CANCER
+
THIS IS MY RELEASE TO LIFE

text : ALL OF THIS, it's so temporary