living in gratitude 69 : sketchbook # 11

text : numb

Sketchbook #11 was done from my bed at Institut Marie Curie, day 4 - 6 after surgery. 8 -10 May 09

I struggled with the giant welling of sadness within, my numbed + traumatised body. It was like two worlds (the external + internal) living next to eachother - and unable to communicate/ cross over.

text: my heart feels numb

text : breathe

(breathing was the only form of relief I got : If I could breathe in to myself, breathe into the pain, or into a part of my body, it was as if something from the external world was connecting with the internal world.
Nadia, a pilates + BMC practitioner happened to be in Paris that week for a dance production, + as the production was at Theatre de la Ville, literally down the road from Institut Marie Curie, she came to visit me each day.
The first day, she just held onto my feet. It was my first experience of feeling grounded, to have someone hold my feet, remind me that grounding could exist, as I was everywhere but grounded.
I fell asleep during this.

The next day, she suggested I breathe into my spine and open it up each time I breathe in. Simple stuff. But it was all about getting back into that soft spot. After surgery, I felt so much like I had been cut in half (I could physically feel the cut within my body), and I was on a drip + downing all types of pills... It's a violent process.
That soft spot was a relief. A reminder that something in life could be soft again.

text : I can only think of NOW

text : what the heart yearns.

no text

no text

text : the deep well of sadness

it was huge! it came up as I came down off the intial painkillers, and the well was so huge inside me, it seemed so much larger than my physical body.

text : veronique visited me today
she gave my feet + my back a massage
my body felt numb
the movements of the massage woke up little pockets of my skin
the only emotion i could feel was sadness.

(Actually after that massage I cried for the rest of the day and the following day - it was a relief to be able to finally express some emotion, as my body had been so numbed, it had all felt so blocked.)

text : woke up this morning, tears, tears,
tears, tears

woke up this morning, tears, tears,
tears, tears
tears, tears
tears
tears
tears tears
tears
tears

tears

text : the deep space within where tears lie