03 May 2009

living in gratitude 59 : the blanket of white light for may 4

I head to Institut Marie Curie today + have the surgery on 4 May - so please send the visualisation of wrapping me up in a blanket of white light when you think of me.

This visualisation comes from the book preparations I have been following in "PREPARING FOR SURGERY" by Peggy Huddleston. It worked wonders on my last three operations I had in March.

These photos are from the park across my appartment.

This blossom has a pink tinge but due to the light, it came out white - looks like snow. My 4 year old nephew Johannes would like this picture. (He sent me some beautiful drawings this week - my favourite gift!)

text : What the heart yearns.

I had a strong sense that I didn't have a choice in going for the surgery... it was a part of my struggle over the last 10 days. Now I see there is a choice - it's one between cancer and life (which is about LIVING the rest of my life as a fulfilled and healthy person).

text : There is a choice : I choose EITHER the cancer (+ have no hysterectomy) or I CHOOSE LIFE (+ have the hysterectomy).

text : the resistance
the acceptance

this has been about my struggle to go through with the surgery (which I have been resisting day in- day out) ... as I saw the hysterectomy as going through early menopause, a non-choice of having my own children (although my ovaries were destroyed in the radiation which mean that both menopause commenced / the option of having a child ended during the radiation...).

and now, as I see it's the surgery that or the cancer... well I definately choose the surgery.

text : the choice between cancer + life

(here, the word 'cancer' actually looks like 'anger'... when I saw this it made me smile, because it reminded me of when I saw the psych last week at Institut Marie Curie, she asked me "what is the cancer for you?".

I was stumped. I had no idea how to answer. I thought of how this cancer has been a lesson, and described how it has deepened my vision and feelings of LIFE, of illness, of old age, of one's own mortality, of compassion towards others who go through deep grief... And then when I saw this image in a smaller version on my computer screen it read 'the choice between anger + life'... I thought.... oh yes... this cancer has been so much about my unexpressed anger/ rage I've been carrying around squeezed tight in a part of me.the toxicity.

gifts - each day this week! here is a box from Margaret in Brisbane.

a book of an anthology of the oldest recorded Japanese poetry sent from Ryoko in Kobe (the bookstore she bought it from was my favourite bookstore when I was studying in Japan - thus photographed it still in its wrapper).


Anonymous said...

I feel for you and your very difficult decision. Before you proceed, I suggest that you visit the HERS Foundation's website http://hersfoundation.org/ (they also have a hysterectomy art gallery) and then call HERS to help you make sense of your medical records and to discuss the anatomical facts. The book THE H WORD goes into great detail about the diagnostic studies, the alternatives, and the lifelong consequences of hysterectomy. No matter what you decide, I highly recommend it. I got mine on Amazon.

Vix said...

Wrapping you up in the blanket! Vicki

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today. There are children who need you. The choice you made is good. You will be there for them.

Kym said...

Even at your deepest darkest hours, this blog tells me that there is always love from those in your world for you to draw on - be present to that and trust that we are there for you as we are meant to be...sending you lots of lovely white light xx

peta said...

I have been sending you the blanket of white light my beautiful friend
xxxx I need to you be in this world
you have always been a beautiful soul and you always will be xx

Anonymous said...

Love to you dear cousin. We're thinking of you. Will a blanket of fog work too? I love your text. It is so thoughtful. Write poetry, in your head if not on paper or screen. Please get better. Kisses.

(Text)ure and (me)aning said...

In a blanket of white light last night a snow leopard crept across the television screen, it was silent, mesmerising and rare footage, filmed by a man from Perth who almost lost his life in the mountains of Ladakh. The images of the snow leopard are breathtaking, the light is so clean, so pure.
The people of the villages lives have been changed because of this footage, and so too has mine the viewer.
Due to extreme altitude sickness and brain swelling Mitchell kelly the photographer, can never go back and film the snow leopards again.
This life Huh!

It is this White, white, pure, white light that is sent to you for your recovery.