nathalie latham

drawing again

2011-11-27T22:09:00.002+01:00

om om om

text : may wisdom grow in the heart of each human

being on this planet

text: breathe

a favourite quote of the day

2011-11-22T12:04:00.002+01:00

‎"More fundamental than religion

is our basic human spirituality.

We have a basic human disposition towards love,

kindness and affection, irrespective of

whether we have a religious framework or not.

When we nurture this most basic human resource –

when we set about cultivating those basic inner values

which we all appreciate in others,

then we start to live spiritually."

Dalai Lama

Feeling the world in a rainforest

2011-10-20T10:15:00.002+02:00

I had a most profound experience during the visit the virgin rainforest in Tamil Nadu, these last few days.

Here are a few pix. The first one is Ramana's grandfather and his temporary home, while he guards his family's fields of mountain rice (very soon to be harvested).

Here is Ramana climbing the root of a tree during our walk. He's just completed 10th grade at school and now works full time for his family (4 generations live under same roof).

Afternoon walk deep into the forest where the air was cool.

Our morning walk earlier in the day.

delicious surprises

2011-09-04T17:24:00.003+02:00

Today I was in bed with slight flu / head-ache and I was remembering a trip in Texas that I had made with a friend, Claudio... we haven't been in touch for over a year (maybe more) ...

and tonight I received an email from him with this photograph of me in his garden in south Germany, taken in 2008 (or there abouts... during my artist-residency in Berlin), the day after his birthday party (Mirjam Siefert was photographing me holding a disco ball in my hand)... We were feeling rather hung over and playing with the mirrored reflections of the disco-mirror ball and sunlight...

how stunning is that image? ... talk about a delicious surprise... thank-you.

by request

2011-06-05T13:35:00.004+02:00

By request of my lovely friends in California, Ruthie + Bar - I'm sticking up some drawings because they wanted to see more.

THis first one is a letter to Mother Nature :

dear mother nature, it's now been 2 years since i finished treatment. I feel OK. Thank you for this feeling.

no text (a bit o mother nature climbing up the page)

morning

2011-03-18T11:54:00.004+01:00

I found myself waking up in Geneva this morning,

for Carin's wedding (tomorrow).

The sun is shining, sky is a muted blue,

the blue you find in European skies at this time of year

(oh spring is a stunning time of the year

in this neck of the world).

My thoughts are constantly going out to all those,

throughout the world in need of

inner strength, courage and comfort.

a new day : my morning wake up call

2011-01-12T02:42:00.007+01:00

A first, for this blog in a long long time. It seemed easy enough to be cured : go through the treatment. But healing has been another, complex, unexplicable ball-game. There has been no road map... no clear directions.

2010 was a year of silence, retreat and quiet. Healing has required every fibre of my being.

Communication needed to be placed on pause to be able to fathom and let myself be guided through the complex labyrinth of healing a traumatised body following cancer treatment.

So here it is, my first step towards sharing words + images : the image of the very mischievous monkeys coming to wake me up in the morning, curious of who's behind the screen. Is there a potential for a banana or two to appear ???

living in gratitude 86 : earth day

2010-05-04T19:11:00.008+02:00

A friend from London asked me "what is a normal day like in India?"

No day is the same. Each day is filled with enchantment and fustration of varying degrees.

I pace myself through the day, as I am keeping my health / recovery as a priority. Some days are easier than others.

Working on a photographic book and a documentary film simultaneously (and very very slowly to not extend beyond my present energy levels). The subject is humanitarian work being done here (spiritual, education, environment, cultural, health).

Here is a picture from Earth Day (22 April), of the students from Sri Narayani Vidyalaya School. Each student took home a sapling or two to plant in their home or neighbourhood.

living in gratitude 85: recovery is a very complex process

2010-05-01T21:55:00.002+02:00

recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process recovery is a very complex process... my first entry for 2010

Living in Gratitude 84 : Go sweep out the chamber of your heart

2009-12-26T21:35:00.003+01:00

Go sweep out the chamber of your heart
Make it ready to be the dwelling place of the Beloved
When you depart out
She will enter it
In you,
void of yourself,
will
She display her beauties

Shabistari 13th Century

poem found while cleaning up my desk today

Got through the Christmas festivities OK - knew my limitations so kept the celebrations within the zone of not getting myself too tired.

Now, it's 26th Dec, hung out with my little brother today, showed him how to make his first sushi and tonight I sent him off to a Jazz concert with Australian friends who are usually based in Gaza/ Jerusalem+ have an appartment on the other side of the park (I have understood now after being back in Paris for 2 weeks that if I don't go out, I don't over-tire myself... it's simple but imagine, a city like Paris and not being tempted 20 times a day to do an activity!!!)

THE CONSTANT TEMPTATION !

I'm clearing and cleaning the appartment, as while I was sick, I didn't have the energy to do anything for six months... after being in India, material objects seem so superfluous, although I do like the comforts of a warm bed, soft sheets, hot water in my bath, music to listen to.. I look at my huge bookshelf and think of all these books, my archives, catalogues, my photo collection... it all seems to be so much unnecessary "extra"...

I live fairly simply (on the material level) and I'm interested to live even more simply...

living in gratitude 83 : 6 month check up

2009-12-18T11:49:00.003+01:00

On my way home through the park on Wednesday, the day before the snow arrived... gloves made by Syl Lot from the sleeves of a beautiful cashmere sweater which shrank in the wash...

the snow came and created such magic and beauty

I was so grateful to Mother Nature for bringing me the snow this week... it helped soften the process

layers of winter clothes as I dress and undress for various exams...

my boob as seen by the ecography

This week has been rather testing ... have had appointment after appointment  : osteoporosis test, mammogram, pap smear, lymphatic drainage massage (that is pleasant), physical therapy for pelvic floor... and today IRM, liver scan, blood test at Institut Marie Curie where I had my radiotherapy ( a place I don't like to return to)...

Physically it's been exhausting.  And I'm in bed by 9pm each night ... this has never happened to me in my paris history! (waking up sometime in the night ... but managing to sleep well.)

The snow in Paris has added a layer of poetry to the week.

living in gratitude 82 : woke up in paris

2009-12-11T13:15:00.004+01:00

I woke up this morning and had no idea where I was, I touched my thick feathery pillow, felt the soft eiderdown... it all felt very comforting, I looked up and saw the blue morning light of Paris and understood I was in Paris... I pulled the eiderdown over me and fell back to sleep.

It is really lovely to be back in my appartment, feels like such a luxury to be in my own space. And it's so warming also, to see how much better I am... last time I was in this space was almost six months ago... there are loads of memories of that time : the medication, the betadine, the support cushions... I can really see how much better I feel compared to then! And that makes me feel very full and smiling inside. It feels like a huge gift.

photo: view from my window - the disney land looking structure on the hill is the sacré coeur, a church which sits on the top of montmartre... All the time I have lived in paris, I have always had a view of this church.

Living in Gratitude 81 : leaving India

2009-12-09T02:55:00.004+01:00

After 5 months, I leave India today. I cannot believe so much time has passed... what happened to 2009? A lot happened when I look at the details but it also feels like time sped by.
The usual busy phase of packing, saying good-bye, finishing things has been in place over the last few days.

My last posts have been about the fustration / courage / surrendering... and I see that this has helped me focus on accepting where I am at... and that, for an impatient Leo, is a huge step.

I need to constantly remind myself, but when I am in that space of accepting where I am at NOW physically and emotionally (not wanting things to be different), the reward is a feeling of peace I have never known.

living in gratitude 80 : a path of surrender and courage

2009-12-07T18:45:00.004+01:00

text : a path of surrender and courage
so much change
OM namo narayani

Someone had written to me asking if my time in India was full of bliss (as I am going to a lot of puja and doing meditation), I replied that no, this present path was not one of bliss... she responded that my present path sounded like one of surrender and courage.

this drawing was done last week

text : 7 months after surgery
8 months after radiation
feeling so flat
i can't stand all these changes in my body
hormone treatment still doesn't feel right, in need of something different, i want a natural therapy no more synthetic hormones
have put on weight
legs numbing
always tired
I don't know how I feel
I cannot recognise this body and how it feels

this drawing dates back to october...
text : 7 months after radiation and I still have symptoms of post-traumatic stress
the trauma is still in my body

living in gratitude 79 : learning patience

2009-12-05T18:25:00.004+01:00

text: the pain
the trauma
the trauma is still in my body

This morning I sat in my meditation and spoke to myself softly, saying "Nathalie you are really going to need to be patient here.  Patience is really required."

I have been so fustrated over the last weeks that I am still in recovery mode, and yesterday after a conversation with a friend, reminded  me yet again  of that point of patience and acceptance of this is where I am at and to be grateful for this.  Sure I still feel numb in the lower part of my stomach/ pelvic area and I get numbness and pain in my legs after walking and I get tired really quickly but this time next year I will feel different, I will heal, and to remind myself to be gentle with this traumatised body rather than curse it for feeling weak or numb or in pain.

So tonight I went for a walk, as usual, I had a lot of pain  and numbness in my legs.  Usually, I stop to sit and wait until the pain and numbness subsides but tonight I kept walking, talking to my legs, saying to them "I know it's painful, but if I can just keep breathing into you, keep giving you energy, and one day you will feel better, it won't feel like such a huge task as it does right now..."  The pain seemed more manageable.

Nicole also said to me, just the fact that you have survived this, that you will be well one day, you'll be a living testimony which will help others.  This feels like a long long way off... it's helpful to be reminded.

The slowness of this road is remarkable in how it's teaching me to be patient...and to learn to be kind to myself.  I've never given myself time like this before. And here I am, quietly forced to...

these drawings were done with pencil last month

text : 7 months after surgery
still feeling vulnerable
coping level is low
in need of tender loving care

text : not coping with interaction

I have no sense of what I would like my future to be. This year I died a thousand deaths. Dying is lonely and it isn't. Still in Shock.

Living in Gratitude 78 : fustration and surrender

2009-12-04T03:51:00.008+01:00

These last two weeks have been a real challenge - sometimes I get so impatient with still feeling unwell, still feeling exhausted, still being so physically limited with what I can do within my day ... sometimes it drives me so crazy, I end up in tears out of sadness and fustration.  I can hear myself saying "I should be feeling better by now!".... "why I am still feeling this tired?"... "when am I going to start feeling that I can do things more normally?"... "I feel so foreign in this body ..." 

And those questions just DO NOT HELP ME.... it pulls me in tighter and I become more fustrated and upset. Which, of course makes me more tired.

And then I try to remind myself of the gratitude of having been so ill,of this slow recovery process, of what it is teaching me.  I lie in bed or on the floor on my yoga mat and remind myself how this illness has stopped me in my tracks to teach me stuff that I would never have stopped for. Because I was always running.  Running after something or running away from something.

And when I get into that space of surrendering to the physical limitations I have now, it's a whole new feeling. It feels more peaceful, more accepting, patient and kinder.

photos from boy's orphanage - we visit an orphanage each Saturday night and bring a good hearty meal. Last saturday the boys greeted us with music and stilts.... the stilts reminded me of how I feel a lot of the time.

LIVING IN GRATITUDE 77 : TAKING LIFE AT ITS PACE

2009-11-24T06:53:00.004+01:00

I lived life at a high speed, afraid I would miss out on something : there was so much happening in the world, and I wanted to be a part of it. I was healthy and strong, so I was able to push myself far.

This year I was forced to stop. While I was going through my treatment, although I was grateful that the treatment was curing me of cancer, I also cursed it for depleting my physical and emotional body. All of a sudden I 'got' what it meant to live with a body that was very weakened. I experienced what it meant when each step, each movement was a huge physical effort. It was like crossing into a grey area I had completely ignored: learning to have compassion for those with physical ailments (whether due to old age or illness).

Now, I'm so grateful that I have been forced to slow down. To take life at its pace, rather than at my previously, frantically chosen pace. It's given me a very new way of looking at life and relating to people, this, in turn, deepens my appreciation for E V E R Y T H I N G.

photos from this year's Diwali - India's festival of light (the equivalent of Christmas in terms of families coming together and celebrating).

LIVING WITH GRATITUDE 76 : WRITING AGAIN

2009-11-12T07:09:00.005+01:00

After reading a friend's book, I have been inspired to write again... although the fatigue still remains in my body, I feel like communicating again, for the first time in over 4 months.

My friend describes her journey with cancer: “yet with all our (medical) advances, far too many of us remain ill.  We’re ill within body, mind and spirit.  Patients who are dismissed by doctors as medically “cured” often remain unwell and restless in a quest for something more.  The hurt hasn’t stopped.  The search for well-being continues long after the treatments end.”

I have lived this.  Once I was “cured” everyone  around me expressed so much happiness and joy.  I was off the "cancer" hook.    However,  inside, I still felt so  physically unwell and so traumatised by the treatment I could barely talk about it. For the first time in my life, I knew what they meant by "shell shock", I felt like a veteran who had come home from war : shaken to the core and unable to share the feelings with anyone who  had not been through the trauma  (cancer treatment).  I felt so alienated.  It felt like my life, as I knew it was over.  No more desires for anything.   My spiritual and emotional bodies were also in great need of healing.  And the doctors were calling me "cured!".

I was “cured” in June.  It’s now November. I planned to  touch base at Sakthi Amma's (in South India) for ten days  in July and do the rest of my recovery period in Paris.  But once I got here, I felt I was in the best place on earth for my recovery.  It has been. And it still is.

In the last days I feel as if a layer of thick mist within has lifted.  Actually, in the last few weeks, this feeling has arisen several times.   Those moments of feeling well are like oil on the surface on water : as soon as I try to touch it, it dissipates, the fatigue rises and I’m back in bed for the day.  The sense of a little victory disappears and I have no choice but to give in to the needs of my fatigued body.

One thing is different this time, is that I have the desire to write.  This is new. Maybe a renewal.

TEXT I wrote for Women's Health Conference

2009-09-23T22:08:00.007+02:00

A New York friend recently asked me to write about my experience with cervical cancer for a conference she was organising on Women's health, encouraging women to have annual PAP smears. Here is the text I wrote:

The words I never, ever thought I’d hear, never dreamt I ‘d hear , came out of the doctor’s mouth: « you’ve got cervical cancer, we’re not sure how advanced the cancer is, but it’s advanced,».
It was a Monday morning sometime in January this year, I was in my hometown in Australia, sitting in a doctor’s office. The week before, I had had a general check up and had been told that my health was « impeccably good ».
« We haven’t got the PAP smear results back yet, they’ll take a few more days, » the doctor had said.

I was 39 years old, I travelled frequently for my work (something I loved) and I felt that my life was very blessed as I was very rich with friendships and somehow, life served me abundantly in rich experiences through my work and relationships.

The doctor had called me in, rather than give me the results over the phone which had given me an uneasy feeling. But, hey, I was super healthy in terms of my previous tests, wasn’t I ? Then those words…
« you’ve got cancer. »
It was one of those times in my life when all stands still. The words felt like thunder. « What ??? »
As the doctor called up the gynecologist oncologist for an appointment that very day, in order to measure the tumor, I sat there dumbstruck, with tears running down my eyes. I had gone to the doctor's appointment alone. I felt very alone.
« Is this how I die ? » It may sound dramatic but until then, I had felt invincible. Everything had felt possible. However, my father, uncle, grandfather and stepfather had died of cancer in the previous 3 years… I had seen with my own eyes, how deadly and painful cancer could be. Getting cancer had secrectly been my greatest fear and it seemed to becoming a reality. Furthermore, many women do die of cervical cancer each year.

The more I spoke to people about my condition, the more I found out how many women had had « warning signs » or « pre-cancerous cells » found in the cervix. Approximately 1 in 3 women I spoke to had had « warning signs. » These were women who had had PAP SMEAR tests anually.
What happened with me ? Why did I have full blown cancer when so many other women seem to have nabbed it in the nick of time ? I had neglected to have a PAP smear in 4 years. Eighteen months earlier I had visited my gynecologist who did not do a PAP smear, which I thought was « strange » but I didn’t insist… Now I so wish I had insisted on that PAP smear.

So what happened to me ? I survived, I’m here to tell you the story. But I went through hell – an expérience I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY. For a week I received radiotherapy in form of Brachitherapy which meant direct radiation on the tumor found in my cervix. I was strapped to a bed, lying on my back for 6 days and received radiation for 30 minutes every hour, 24 hours a day. I couldn’t move as it would have endangered the emplacement of the radiation apparatus in my vagina and uterus. It was difficult to sleep as the machine kept clicking on every 30 minutes. After the radiation, I experienced chronic fatigue, depression and my body had greatly weakened from the radiation. A month later just before I had my 4th and final surgery for the treatment, I wanted my life to end. The suffering felt too much to cope with. I wanted to just disappear under a moving bus. Somehow I managed to keep myself to the footpath and underwent a radical hysterectomy which meant I lost my uterus and ovaries. Overnight I was a woman in menopause and I was only 39 years old... The chronic fatigue and depression continued. A far cry from the independant, free-spirited and loving person I had been a few months before.

The cancer was due to the HPP virus, an STD. My experience could have been much different, so less traumatic had I had my PAP smear done annually. Is there a moral to my life story ? If there is one, it’s about taking care of the goddess within. It’s about doing the really simple things, like getting a PAP smear done annually as well as getting one’s breasts checked every 12 months. PAP smears should be done annually as soon as one is sexually active (however recent studies show that the virus has been found in a percentage of young girls who have not been sexually active)
(IAmerican Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Volume 200, Issue 5, Pages 487.e1-487.e5).

If my experience can encourage other women to get their PAP smears done annually, then, there will have been a purpose to the profoundly difficult journey I have recently travelled.

vedas

2009-09-08T20:34:00.003+02:00

Well it has been a while... but honestly, my life here in South India is not at all conducive to sitting in front of a computer - and have been REALLY REALLY focusing on my internal healing as being cured of cancer is one thing but there is so much for the body + mind to recover from. In my case, the chronic fatigue and depression have certainly shifted since I have been in India. Other ailments like pain in my legs when walking or standing got me getting quite distressed ...then there has been the psychological mountain ... which I am still climbing through.

on another note...
Here are pictures from Sripuram's 2nd anniversary (last week of August) - the focuse of this year's celebration was very sober : there was a homam (fire ritual) where the vedas were chanted for 6 days, with 9 fires burning and 4 rituals done each day, offering ghee and other goodies to the spirit world so they can take good care of the rainfall, nature, and the world in general...

Unfortunately I was physically unwell that particular week, so only visited the chanting once a day... if i had been better, I would have been there all day as I love to listen to vedic chanting ! Despite me feeling unwell, I did delivery the priests some cake at the end of the day - on the last three days.

and yes, it did rain A LOT at the end of the 6 days...

birthday

2009-07-31T05:28:00.002+02:00

Today I turn 40 - and while others may be a little freaked out approaching the new decade - I'm grateful to be alive, cancer free, and grateful for the healing (possibly a bit slow for my liking at times... but this whole process has got me slowed down on every level...)

I had an attack of insomnia last night so baked a cake (I'll take it to the local pre-school and share it with the smiling children there), and started a new loaf of bread (baking bread has become my daily activity : it keeps me grounded + present + it's something I have always wanted to learn but always been too busy to do.)

I also did this drawing (I will upload a selection of most recent drawings - I have been consistently drawing but didn't have it in me to be in communication... had to have a shut down period).

I have been doing a lot of crying recently which is sort of a relief because I haven't been able to cry for some time. Now I can cry tears : feels like the next step of healing can take place - that sadness can now shift.

Text from image : gratitude, bread-making, living in the present moment, loads of healing tears. (I have been having difficulty living in the present moment, so this drawing was like preparing an ode for how to live today... and there will be smiles too...)

living in gratitude 75 : 2 steps ahead 1 step behind

2009-06-08T10:09:00.006+02:00

It's been exactly a week since I got back to my appartment after 3 weeks at Rose's home on the left bank with its elevator to get me up + down. It was really lovely to find my own space - I had actually been away for a month! (including the week in hospital)

 text : 5 weeks after surgery
9 1/2 weeks after radiation
exhausted
depleted
depressed

text : shattered

text : 4 general aneasthetics, 120 hours of radiation + surgically induced menopause
depleted depleted depleted depleted depleted depleted depleted depleted depleted depleted

The myth is that now I don't have cancer, I am well... mmmmmm... let me clarify: that I don't have cancer means I am cancer free... so that means I have a sense of relief (no longer have that sense of having a heavy sentence upon me as I don't have to do any more treatment) but I'm still in the recovery phase + it feels like it is 2 steps ahead and 1 step behind. Although my brain may tell me "I am cancer free", my body doesn't believe it.
My body answers back to me : " Are you kidding??? Do you really believe that I am going to trust you??? After all that you've made me go through... yeah ... sure.... how can I know you are not sending me off for some more gruelling treatment???..."

text : keeping myself excessively busy to not feel the pain
and now I  am depleted
(this is in reference to my excessively busy life before being diagnosed where I was constantly travelling + working + exhibiting)

text : depleted

At the moment, I limit myself to an activity a day (which is usually a doctor's appointment).

For 1 or 2 days I am relatively OK (exhausted but ok) if I don't do anything else. And it seems that on the 2nd or 3rd day I am so depleted that I don't go much further than horizontal on my sofa or my sketching pad.

I'm coping pretty well with climbing my five flight of stairs - it's exhausting but do+able.

text : feeling so fragile

text : living with so much pain for so long

text : shattered

My cousin asked me "are you feeling better?"  And ... well... frankly not particularly... the main difference is that the stomach area from surgery is healing + I can move much better + get up easily now from a sitting or lying position. But it does make a difference to know I don't have to have any more treatment for the moment.

living in gratitude 74 : pause button on communicating

2009-05-30T17:10:00.005+02:00

Now that my health is no longer in danger,
I am going to put the pause button on communicating
+ take a break from this blog +

+ focus on getting better physically

+ emotionally.

I will keep drawing + creating but keep it in the private realm.

I like this image, it gives me a real sense that
"I am alive, I am here -
and I have something as strong as the tree to lean on."

And this is a reminder of all the shadow work, the non-tangible internal work that needs to be taken care of...

will update from time - to - time.

living in gratitude 73 : integrating new information

2009-05-28T11:00:00.005+02:00

text : He said "the results are perfect."
I didn't hear him, my friend who had accompanied me to the appointment said to me,
"Nathalie he just told you of your results."
"Really?"
"Yes the results are perfect."
Are you sure? there is nothing? nothing? nothing?
"Yes"
I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing.
May 27 2009

text : I couldn't absorb what had happened. After the appointment with the doctor. I kept asking my friend.
"WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?"
"DID HE REALLY SAY? THE RESULTS WERE PERFECT?"

text: As I stood in the street the sense that I was OK started to appear with me. I felt such quiet gratitude + I felt very humble.

text : I got back + I felt exhausted. I lay on the bed. I could feel the lightness appear in my body
the dread, the anticipation, the heaviness of the sentence
I didn't realise how heavy, how much weight I had carried.

text : the sense of relief + lightness settling within

text : I was feeling the lightness enter my body

text: At first i would ask WHY ME?
And I'd look at all those faces in the waiting room at INSTITUT MARIE CURIE + see how ANYONE could be diagnosed with cancer.
young, old, fat, thin, glamorous, ordinary, man, woman, black, white, asian.
ANYONE
there was NO PREJUDICE
so I would understand
WHY NOT ME?
it could be anyone
ME INCLUDED

And yet today - I was told the results were perfect. And I know lots of people who didn't survive cancer. And I asked WHY ME?
WHY DID I ESCAPE
WHY WAS I RELIEVED

living in gratitude 72 : today i am perfect

2009-05-27T16:07:00.007+02:00

I just got back from my appointment my surgeon + the news is :

He said the results are "perfect".

No cancerous cells found in the lymph nodes + nor in the cervix (radiation successful).

Here is a photo of my feet + yasmin's flip-flops in the waiting room at Institut Marie Curie. I wore a particularly bright skirt for the day as I thought, whatever the results are, it's a part of my life.

As I sat in the waiting room, I really felt that whatever the doctor says, I will continue this life journey embracing it all. And I kept telling Yasmin, "if that means having to go on with more treatment, I won't be delighted but I do accept that it may be the path I have to take. I'm not in charge. "

Yasmin's flip flops.
Waiting time at institut Marie Curie is always significant...

My surgeon (white doc's coat) + my toes while he checks out the my tummy + the scar. (photo by yasmin)

I don't believe my lucky stars.

Fortunately Yasmin was with me, because when the surgeon said "the results are perfect," I didn't hear him... I was talking about the symptons since the surgery...
Yasmin stopped me and said "he just said your results are perfect."
What? Really ? ?
"Oui, les resultats sont parfaits" he replied
You mean there is nothing, nothing, nothing???????

"Yes, no traces in the lymph nodes and nor in the cervix, the radiation worked well there."

I was and still am gob-smacked.
We went to lunch with Yasmin, her husband and their child and I had no appetite. I kept asking Yasmin "can you just repeat what he said one more time?"
"Did that really happen?"
"He DID say, it was all gone, it was perfect didn't he?"

Then as we walked back to the car, I started to have a sense of what this meant. I felt humbled + "why me? how come I get off the hook? how does that one happen?".

... Ganesh turned up today...
Yasmin's son, Louis with Ganesh at the shop window of DIWALI,
nearby Institut Marie Curie.

And now I am back home. I just want to have a rest. some zzzzz. That's a lot of emotion for one day... I still cannot quite believe what has happened... has it really? will I wake up + there be something else?

Thank you for your thoughts + prayers.

Now I can confidently ask you all to direct those prayers to others you know or don't know who are going through profoundly challenging moments.

And I am going to start to slowly integrate what this means, that I can just keep resting + getting better + remember to take EVERYTHING slowly, in its time + slowly start thinking about my second lease of life.

living in gratitude 71 - anticipation of the results

2009-05-26T23:29:00.006+02:00

This afternoon the sun came out and this reflection from the window appeared on the ceiling... it was quite magical... I haven't seen it before... I have been anticipating tomorrow... thinking I just cannot go through anymore treatment - I have had it. When I am calm inside, I know I have to surrender to the outcome.

text: the anticipation of results tomorrow is the day I find out the results from the surgery... am I clear?

text : depleted I had a really good day on Saturday... I thought I was going to be fine to head home... then Sunday I spent the whole day in bed....Monday still feeling depleted... I read up that this is a part of post-hysterectomy surgery - 2 steps ahead and 1 step behind. So after my great ambitions of heading home on last weekend... seeing how I am each day...

text : Before all this happened, I was constantly DOING doing
And today I felt, there are many things I want to do in this second lease of life. Many ways i want to contribute to humanity. But that right now I cannot DO a thing.

All I can do is rest, is breathe in gently to my wounded, depleted body and feel the support my body gets from the ground or the bed and the pillow. This is all I can do.

text : feel the support under your body.

This is my other mantra, each time I think of how the earth, the ground, the bed is supporting the parts of the body that is touching the earth, the ground, the bed.  The feeling that my body is safe, that I am being protected, helps to keep me calm + grounded.

text : Tomorrow's results need to say I'm OK.
I just don't think I could go through more treatment.

yesterday :
mint tea with Pascale at the Mosque across the road from Rose's.
P's visit was a big step up - as I finally felt I was having pleasure in doing something 'normal' like having a tea out.
(After the tea, I recuperated by having a lie down back at home + chatted to P from my bed - she's just been back from  2 months in west Africa researching her next film so was full of stories + had me giggling).

It's been excruciating these last weeks because I haven't been able to feel pleasure in the small things - even a walk in the park has been "effort"... then a few days ago I started to enjoy the flowers more...

Home-made sushi delivery by Elise tonight.

Simbad a friend from my time in Berlin, wrote to me today from Brazil saying that he thinks of me each day as he does sun salutations...when we both lived in Berlin he would come over for breakfast +  yoga-sun-salutations with me in my giant art studio in Berlin... + that thought warmed me as there is SO MUCH good will from so many people around that world that I am better... that these results really need to be AOK...

living in gratitude 70 : sketchbook # 12

2009-05-24T00:02:00.005+02:00

I thought I was going to head back to my appartment today as I had ventured up the 5 flights of stairs at Rose's appartment building yesterday morning... I was sure I was fine - but I was so tired from it that I slept for half an hour afterwards...and was exhausted for the rest of the day...
Rose + Morgan said I need to take it slowly... the soul wants to soar, the body is recuperating ever so slowly...

text : feeling like a steam roller has rolled over me

Here is sketchbook # 12.
For the first week after I came out of hospital, I was so depleted physically + emotionally, I had no creative output whatsover, no desire to pick up a pen, to update the blog or to draw...

These drawings started in the second week after coming out of hospital around the 15 May.
I was staying (and still am) at Rose's home, as I couldn't (and still cannot) climb the 5 flights of stairs home. Rose's appartment, opposite the mosque has a lift.

Now I am itching to get back to my flat.

text : the skin feels numb
the surface between the world + my
internal broiling
I cannot express
ANYTHING

text : Nothing  much to say
I'm in bed most of the day

text : this feels so hard

text : Earlier this week I would wake up in tears
dreams of rage
dream of wanting to divorce my family
dream of the more toxic relationships in my life
too much grief
I can't do the grief
and healing this
huge wound
for now one thing at a time.  Let's heal the body
first - then the emotional
body.

text :
He asked me "how do you feel?"

a question which often starts a phone conversation

"I feel EVERYTHING at once" I answered

"I feel tired, I feel rage, fustrated, joy, sadness, anger, free, imprsioned, regret, gratitude, abandoned, supported, worn out yet new, all of it. It's all in me - the multitude of faces all at once, being felt.

text : settling into a quieter internal space

text : I AM ALIVE
NO MORE BLEEDING
NO MORE OVULATION

THIS IS NMY NEW RELEASE OF LIFE


THIS IS MY 2ND PART OF LIFE
 
I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS

the gratitude + pain

the deep grief of a hyterectomy which took place in my body

NO MORE POTENTIAL OF BEING PREGNANT

NEVER THE POSSIBLITY TO BE PREGNANT

HAVING TO REMIND MY SELF THAT I COULD HAVE DIED OF THIS CANCER
+
THIS IS MY RELEASE TO LIFE

text : ALL OF THIS, it's so temporary

living in gratitude 69 : sketchbook # 11

2009-05-23T07:34:00.000+02:00

text : numb

Sketchbook #11 was done from my bed at Institut Marie Curie, day 4 - 6 after surgery. 8 -10 May 09

I struggled with the giant welling of sadness within, my numbed + traumatised body.  It was like two worlds (the external + internal) living next to eachother - and unable to communicate/ cross over.

text: my heart feels numb

text : breathe

(breathing was the only form of relief I got : If I could breathe in to myself, breathe into the pain, or into a part of my body, it was as if something from the external world was connecting with the internal world.
Nadia, a pilates + BMC practitioner happened to be in Paris that week for a dance production, + as the production was at Theatre de la Ville, literally down the road from Institut Marie Curie, she came to visit me each day.
The first day, she just held onto my feet.  It was my first experience of feeling grounded, to have someone hold my feet, remind me that grounding could exist, as I was everywhere but grounded.
I fell asleep during this.

The next day, she suggested I breathe into my spine and open it up each time I breathe in.  Simple stuff.  But it was all about getting back into that soft spot.  After surgery, I felt so much like I had been cut in half (I could physically feel the cut within my body), and I was on a drip + downing all types of pills... It's a violent process.
 That soft spot was a relief. A reminder that something in life could be soft again.

text : I can only think of NOW

text : what the heart yearns.

no text

no text

text : the deep well of sadness

it was huge! it came up as I came down off the intial painkillers, and the well was so huge inside me, it seemed so much larger than my physical body.

text : veronique visited me today
she gave my feet + my back a massage
my body felt numb
the movements of the massage woke up little pockets of my skin
the only emotion i could feel was sadness.

(Actually after that massage I cried for the rest of the day and the following day - it was a relief to be able to finally express some emotion, as my body had been so numbed, it had all felt so blocked.)

text : woke up this morning, tears, tears,
tears, tears

woke up this morning, tears, tears,
tears, tears
tears, tears
tears
tears
tears tears
tears
tears

tears

text : the deep space within where tears lie

living in gratitude 68 : sketchbook #10 post-op

2009-05-22T01:00:00.000+02:00

Sketchbook # 10 was made one - three days post-surgery.
5 + 6 + 7 May 09.
Institut Marie Curie, from my bed.

text: I need to remember.
THE WORST IS BEHIND NOW.
I need to remember this.

text : That the worst is behind
is not yet,
a believable concept. NOTHING IS BELIEVABLE all that is believable is that well - each day remains believable enough to go on
SURGERY PUTS YOU IN AN ODD STATE or maybe the morphine + pain management does
But right now the only thing I believe is my belly got cut open + utereus + ovaries + lymph nodes extracted.

text: feeling feel  drugged up drawing  shit

text : drawing on post-operation pain management

text : why do I bother drawing?
reckon I'll go to sleep now
feeling a bit drug fucked.
NO PAIN - only when I move

text : is it really over?
I have difficulty to feel it could be
my gut has been open
+ it's hard to stand

text : I feel too sore, too crap to even think that the worst is over. Firstly there are 2 more weeks of tests to wait for
then there is recovery
recuperation
I guess
the major worst is over but I'm still taking a day at a TIME BABY

text : LIVING A DAY AT A TIME
THIS IS ALL I CAN DO


text : day 2 after surgery
- i can pee (gratitude)
- I can walk (very slowly)
(gratitude)
food: day of surgery NIL (mon)
(tues)1. NIL (day after)
Wed 2. yoghurt + apple puree
Thurs 3. macaroni

Thursday 3 after surger:
I thought I was going to have a melt down when I saw the macaroni.  WHAT?????
my first meal since Sunday + it's ****ing macaroni?

text : so, Life begins here huh?

text : I am so drugged up on pain-killers,
I don't really care for much right now.

text: THERE IS NOTHING QUITE LIKE INTIMATELY MEETING
ONE'S OWN MORTALITY

living in gratitude 67 : race for life

2009-05-21T10:31:00.005+02:00

Neridah + I being silly last summer

A few weeks ago I wrote on my blog that if people wanted to help me (those living outside of Paris), they could do something to help others/ bring joy to others, and tell me of the experience.

Neridah whom is based in London, took this on + ran in a marathon at Battersea Park to raise money for cancer research. She did the run two days after my op on 6th May.

She told me it was a really moving experience as each participant had the name of the person they were running for, a person affected by cancer, on their back. There were signs marked "mum", "dad", "myself"... Neridah ran with "Nathalie" marked on her back.

She exceeded her fund-raising goal too!

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/neridahleembruggen/

living in gratitude 66 : sketchbook # 9

2009-05-20T17:02:00.009+02:00

text : butterflies
(There was definately feeling apprehension... the butterflies were ones of the stomach, not the narayani transformative ones... well there were transformative ones too I suppose, without me realising it...)

***

I haven't uploaded any drawings since surgery, so thought of sharing them.

Here is my ninth notebook of oil pastels, done the night before + day after surgery.

text : the day before

text : tomorrow

text : this will be my 4th general aneasthetic in 6 weeks

T + K came with me today - thank goodness for their company- loving presence.

single dose bottle of 130ml
solution pour application cutanée
uniquement sur ordonnance
betadine scrub 4%
respecter les doses prescrites
Xanas 0,5 mg alprazol

text : Tonight I photographed myself in the hospital bed.  It is the 3rd May and I thought they'd be my last portraits of me with a uterus and I saw myself , there was a look I hadn't ever seen.  It was something like a place I had never been to before.  BUT MY EYES SHOWED I HAD BEEN TO THAT PLACE.  IT WAS DEEP + IT WAS A PAINFUL PLACE. IT WAS A PLACE WHICH TAUGHT ME GRATITUDE + APPRECIATION OF THE INVISIBLE WIND PASSING THROUGH THE LEAVES + TREES. OF FRIENDSHIP. OF DESPAIR OF GRIEF. OF HOW FRAGILE HOW STRONG HOW SHORT, HOW COMPLEX, HOW SIMPLE LIFE IS.
A PLACE WHICH showed me LOVE LIKE I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE.

text : I want to remember this level
of GRATITUDE OF APPRECIATION
OF THE
soft heart
OF 
taking the time
to really feel the moment.

when I was diagnosed in january I didn't know how advanced the cancer was (actually I still don't know... we'll know more tomorrow)

and I thought as I sat by the doctor's desk,
IS THIS HOW I'M GOING TO DIE?
IS THIS GOING TO KILL ME?
is this going to kill me?

and now I'm at institut marie curie in Paris. 2009 May 3
Who would have guessed?
on the eve of my hysterectomy
THIS ALL MAKES ME REALLY WANT TO LIVE A FULFILLED LIFE.

***
the next images were done the day after surgery (5 May):

text : PAIN 
difficult to do anything :
to get up
to turn over

the day after
it hurts

18 shots of morphine self -administered

text : withdrawn from it all
is it over?
is it over?
is it over?

(With this drawing, I had a huge sense of being so withdrawn from Life, living, doing normal stuff, being in the land of the living ... still feel that sensation everyday but here it was a really really crystal clear feeling, lying from the hospital bed + looking out to the sky .)

text : I keep being told
YOU'VE DONE IT - YOUR TREATMENT
BUT I DON'T FEEL VICTORY
JUST CUT OPEN STITCHED
HARD TO BREATH DEEPLY

EXHAUSTED
WHAT A TRIAL

text : 2 weeks of waiting for final results
is the cancer in the lymph nodes?

living in gratitude 65 : news on the HPV virus

2009-05-19T16:40:00.004+02:00

A friend sent me this latest article on the HPV virus (this was associated to my cancer) - would be interesting for anyone who has a daughter/ daughters.  The conclusion is simple enough.

link is : http://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0002937808024344

Human papilloma virus infection prior to coitarche

American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Volume 200, Issue 5, May 2009, Pages 487.e1-487.e5

Abstract: ObjectiveThe aim of our study was to determine the prevalence and the natural course of anogenital human papilloma virus (HPV) infections in girls prior to coitarche attending an outpatient gynecological unit.Study DesignSpecimens were taken from the anogenital region of 114 unselected 4-15 year old girls who were referred consecutively for various gynecological problems.ResultsFour girls were excluded because of sexual abuse. Low-risk HPV-deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) was detected in 4 girls (3.6%) and high-risk HPV DNA in 15 children (13.6%). Two girls testing positive for HPV DNA had clinical apparent warts. After 1 year, 2 children had persistent high-risk HPV DNA, and in 1 case we found a switch from high-risk to low-risk HPV DNA.

Conclusion
Subclinical genital low- and high-risk HPV infections are common in girls without any history of sexual abuse or sexual activity. We found persistence of genital HPV infection in children, which could be a reservoir for HPV-associated diseases later in life.

living in gratitude 64 : end of an era

2009-05-19T08:22:00.004+02:00

After having gone through her era of being an artistic work-a-holic in order to avoid her internal pain (this state included a mixture of loads of travel + never enough sleep + generally not taking much care of herself)... she was finally forced to take care of herself, stay in one place, befriend the internal pain + zzzz a lot.

Photo by rose taken at rose's.

living in gratitude 63 : anemic (again?)

2009-05-16T08:23:00.006+02:00

there was some sunshine in le jardin des plantes

I seem to have the most energy in the first hour of waking up... so this morning, now that the nurse has visited for my morning shot (ouch)

- I thought I'd update the blog ... my energy has been at an all mighty low this week, with no desire to draw or blog ... today the sense to get out of bed + do some 'normal' stuff finally came back... I drew 6 pictures...

bruises from daily injections (to end on 21st may yipeee!!!)

The event of the week was that I got my stitches out on Thursday. Belly still very swelled up + less sore + less feeling of being cut up inside which is somewhat reassuring.

Today I was motivated by my blood results from yesterday (I have them twice a week at the moment - the morning nurse comes for that...) to confirm that I am anemic.

It makes sense why I'm not up to much at the moment but furthermore, it took me back to 28 Dec 2008 in India... and will give readers an idea of how I got diagnosed in the first place...

I was photographing donors participating at International Blood Donation Day (inspired because hospitals around the world are low on blood donations) at the Sri Narayani Hospital in South India. As I was there, I went to give blood. The initial step one takes is a little 'prick' on the finger (to check if you are anemic) is done by a nurse. Blow me down...
the nurse said I couldn't donate blood because I was anemic.
I said to myself, "I know I have been feeling really crap all month, but I KNOW i am NOT anemic! That is outrageous!".
Nothing to do. They wouldn't let me donate blood.

So I finished my photos, and on the way out, met Dr K, my favourite doctor at the hospital. I told him how outraged I was, that I couldn't give blood because I was told I was anemic.

Dr K looked at me in a sincerely puzzled manner and replied, "Nathalie, I see anemic people everyday, and you are definately not anemic."
"I know!!" I replied excitedly, happy to find a supporter of my non-anemic cause. He suggested I come by the hospital the following day and do a thorough check up.

I was ill that night, vomitting as I had eaten some cheese a german friend had bought from her visit to pondicherry. So the following day I was weak + dehydrated. I did all the tests : blood, urine, eyes, cardiac... I had to return to do the ultra-sound twice as the 2 litres of water I had swallowed for the test didn't create enough liquid in me (I was so dehydrated)... so I had to return the following day for that.

With all the results in his hand, Dr K said everything was fine - blood count, urine etc all good. I was very happy to know that I wasn't anemic. The only 'abnormal' thing that came up was fybroids in the uterus.

"What does that mean ?"
He wasn't too concerned as many women have fybroids.
I got a bit freaked out. And what is the worst thing that can happen to me?
"A hysterectomy - but that is really if there is excessive or very heavy bleeding...so only in extreme case... you are fine..."
I didn't have heavy bleeding ... cripes! A hysterectomy!.... this was feeling a bit serious now...
But he assured me that only in very extreme cases would a hysterectomy be required...

Although the results were fine, he asked me, to re-do the tests when I got back to Australia (which was the following day). He said that although everything seemed fine in the results he wanted to be reassured with another set.

So I went to Australia, did all my tests. And the GP said "you are in very good health."
Phew... relief... she wasn't concerned by the fybroids for the moment.

The pap smear results were the only tests that hadn't come back. (In Australia pap smears are automatically done for check ups with a general practitioner... so thank goodness I had the check up in Australia)...

The pap smear results came back the following week, with results of pre-cancerous cells being picked up, then another test to say that I had cancerous cells + a confirmation from that afternoon that I had a tumor...

So here I am, 5 months later - I wasn't anemic in December, but that is what lit up the warning signs...
now, today, after the hysterectomy... I am anemic...

feels like I have done a full, mysterious circle...

ps... these photos are from this weekend at Rose's + in le jardin des plantes...except the big fat tomato (given by aga) which I am hanging out of my window to photograph... that is a photo from 3 weeks ago...

living in gratitude 62 : learning of patience

2009-05-14T07:58:00.002+02:00

I really feel that I am having to learn of being patient on a totally different level.

Each day, I leave the appartment take a very very slow walk (I walk like a granny but at least I can walk) ... + cannot believe how many healthy people there are out there, walking briskly.

I keep being told I will feel better again physically + emotionally but that concept feels so profoundly abstract... patience is what is required ...patience on a profoundly different level.

living in gratitude 61 : a day at a time

2009-05-12T22:13:00.002+02:00

Difficult start to the day : I woke up at 3 am with a lot of pain so took some medication (which should only be taken on a full stomach). Result : nausea + vomitting at 5 am... miserable and even weaker than yesterday.

So slept most of the day. A friend did some reiki which helped me settle. By early evening, I felt better + went for a long walk in the jardin des plantes, which is an amazing public garden. Not feeling sad today, just overwhelmed with what I am going through, exhausted all the time and not being able to look further than today.

living in gratitude 60 : back from hospital

2009-05-11T21:19:00.004+02:00

I came out of hospital on Saturday, been feeling very very fatigued + + chopped up/sore + sad (that is why I didn't update the blog straight away).

I am staying at Rose's on the left bank in the 5th as I cannot climb the five flights of stairs at my house for some time.

The surgery went well - it was a pretty horrible process to go through. No visible cancer cells found during surgery which is great news. I get the final results to see if I am 'clear' on 27 may.

living in gratitude 59 : the blanket of white light for may 4

2009-05-03T08:47:00.004+02:00

I head to Institut Marie Curie today +  have the surgery  on 4 May - so please send the visualisation of wrapping me up in a blanket of white light when you think of me.

This visualisation comes from the book preparations I have been following in  "PREPARING FOR SURGERY" by Peggy Huddleston.  It worked wonders on my last three operations I had in March.

These photos are from the park across my appartment.

This blossom has a pink tinge but due to the  light, it came out white - looks like snow.  My 4 year old nephew Johannes would like this picture. (He sent me some beautiful drawings this week - my favourite gift!)

text : What the heart yearns.

I had a strong sense that I didn't have  a choice in going for the surgery... it was a part of my struggle over the last 10 days.  Now I see there is a choice - it's one between cancer and life (which is  about LIVING the rest of my life as a fulfilled  and healthy person).

text : There is a choice : I choose EITHER the cancer (+ have no hysterectomy) or I CHOOSE LIFE  (+ have the hysterectomy).

text : the resistance
the acceptance

this has been about my struggle to go through with the surgery (which I have been resisting day in- day out) ... as I saw the hysterectomy as going through early menopause, a non-choice of having my own children (although my ovaries were destroyed in the radiation which mean that both menopause commenced / the option of having a child ended during the radiation...).

and now, as I see it's the surgery that or the cancer... well I definately choose the surgery.

text : the choice between cancer + life

(here, the word 'cancer' actually looks like 'anger'... when I saw this it made me smile, because it reminded me of when I saw the psych last week at Institut Marie Curie, she asked me "what is the cancer for you?".

I was stumped.  I had no idea how to answer.  I thought of how this cancer has been a lesson, and described how it has deepened my vision and feelings of LIFE, of illness, of old age, of one's own mortality, of compassion towards others who go through deep grief...   And then when I saw this image in a smaller version on my computer screen it read 'the choice between anger + life'... I thought.... oh yes... this  cancer has been so much about my unexpressed anger/ rage I've been carrying around squeezed tight in a part of me.the toxicity.

gifts - each day this week! here is a box from Margaret in Brisbane.

a book of an anthology of the oldest  recorded Japanese poetry sent from Ryoko in Kobe (the bookstore she bought it from was my favourite bookstore when I was studying in Japan - thus photographed it still in its wrapper).

living in gratitude 58 - more drawings from last week

2009-04-30T16:25:00.005+02:00

two more favourites from last week - I am not sure if I will have internet access from the hospital.
So am uploading today.

text : and for the first time, I can feel why a person may close down to the potential of life. Too tired too depleted to take an emotional risk in life. This morning, I saw it in C's eyes when he came to visit. That look of closing down.
Did the divorce knock the wind out of you?
He didn't know the expression. It's like something that breaks inside of you. Yes. He replied. Something definately broke. And me, in the past, I would have wanted to see him get back up + fight. But as I lay down on the sofa, the radiation + depression, still having their effect. I lay there somehow, for the first time, I felt no need to change + just be there. I thought of Lone. Broken too.

It's been knocked out of me : my courage, the fearlessness, the joy, that strength I have so depended on.

living in gratitude 57 : the ebb + flow

2009-04-30T09:39:00.009+02:00

Haven't been able to update my blog as the grief has been overwhelming. I had no desire to communicate and had no idea what I could possibly say.

I have continually had a different friend turn up each day with a meal (and honestly, that, I believe  their visits + love + smiles have kept my sanity).

AND the POSTAL-GODS have been kind to me, as EVERY DAY I have had a hand-written card in my letter box or gift (talk about perfect distribution... to get something E.A.C.H.  D.A.Y.)

so each day, as I have gone to the letter box (on my way to the numerous doctor's appointments) I have had a smile sent to my heart however overwhelmed I have felt.

The gift (of receiving)

This image is dedicated to the many many gifts
(making them into a  constant gift of LOVE + appreciation)
I have received in gratitude during these difficult times.

the grief...

as I have had the energy to update my blog, it is a sign that I am feeling more courageous with the journey.  The courage definately took a real beating and disappeared all week.  Here are a few of the drawings from the last week.

I understand why people give up the fight.

I have reached saturation, this now feels too hard,
too painful, too much, not enough support

the journey feels very human,
very painful within a spiritual being

the pain the loss

drawing copied by my surgeon's sketch when
I asked "what exactly are you taking out?"

it's all going (orange= surgery)
(the cancer is the little light blue spot)
the cancer is so small .. and so much is being taken out!

meeting after the psychiastrist at institut marie curie
she said i didn't speak about the cancer... I thought I only spoke about all the pain that it has woken up...
the pain +  broken sense is there, so raw


the wave feels too huge

living in gratitude 56 : the date is set

2009-04-22T23:10:00.005+02:00

so the date is set for the hysterectomy - 4 may

photo : waiting at Institut Marie Curie for the appointment with the surgeon (talk about charasmatic human being who doesn't need to say a thing to exude confidence). I'm glad he's the one responsible for the operation which is symbolic of the beginning of my next part of my life which will be better than it's ever been.

I asked the surgeon loads of questions. It's a two hour surgery - longer than I would have thought + I'll be in hospital for 5 days + won't be able to climb my 5 flights of stairs when I get home. I told him - no morphine please - organise another form of pain relief please.

He was genuinely surprised when I told that I have been depressed after the radiotherapy. I disagreed fervently with him when he said, that post-radiotherapy was an easy process... was really surprised he was surprised.

I was really upset after the meeting - It's really difficult to the Institut Marie Curie - it really such traumatic memories for me. Felt deeply sad and exhausted all day.

text : emotional courage is where the freedom + peace lies
MY life depends ON IT

Text - this is for the rest of my life.

Text: to be afraid of your feelings ...
what a terrible way to live.

After the meeting with the surgeon, I felt like doing something that other parisiens may do (the desire to do something relatively "normal" ... something other people may do on a sunny spring day...) : sit in the spring sun on the terrace of a café in the latin quarter (Institut Marie Curie is in the neighbourhod).

It was a wonderful feeling. Two people smiled at me as they walked by. Then after 20 minutes I felt exhausted and just wanted to be at home lying down in a quiet space. So I got up and took a taxi home.

Today's meal delivery came in the afternoon from my montmartre friends : super android, 6 years old ... his mum + sister, Sidonie, 13 years old....

We ate a picnic in the park across the road, I lay down in sleeping position as the children collected spring goodies (my heart was frightfully heavy). Then I came home, slept and have been drawing all evening.

text : the deep song of rage

living with gratitude 55 : the bus, the breath, the depths

2009-04-22T00:42:00.012+02:00

ticket of the bus I took down the hill

Yesterday was a huge day, as it was the first time to catch a bus  in over a month... I didn't go far, just down the hill, but it was a big start... I had the strength to walk all way to the bus stop, get on the bus and walk to my destination... red earth centre where I am learning yoga breathing with my yoga-teacher friend Louisa (until now she visited me at home).

Yesterday, I was strong enough to do some stand-up postures + we both recognised that I was OK with the passive poses (whereas I had been fearful  of them when I tried for the first time - when my body still traumatised after radiation treatment, even really passive yoga postures raised a load of fear.)  It was lovely to see how my body has changed from traumatised to becoming feeling more "ok". And I was also very, very grateful to Louisa's guidance + to my body for healing and getting stronger.

The "day out adventure" exhausted me so much, I slept for 12 hours!

photo: a mini aquarium (with plastic fish which swim around) from my sister sent  from australia... it makes me smile it is so silly. 

I have been collecting women's stories of their experience of having a hysterectomy.  Varied experiences.  The emotional journey seems much greater than the surgery from what I have gathered so far.  Thanks so much for those whom have contacted me.  I'm still continuing to learn more, hear more, read more.

I could say that yesterday there was a big shift in my acceptance of the surgery.  I see the surgeon tomorrow so he will be able to answer my querying mind.

tolerate it - you will go through the depths of despair.  

A friend told me recently...

and it seems as if each day is filled of
E V E R Y emotion - from total gratitude and appreciation for the little water drop on a leaf or a blossom in the park, to the centered feeling in qi gong, or the kindness received in the letter I found in my letter box this morning to  laugh on the phone from a "just a quick call, to check how you are going" (said in the silliest accent to make me giggle) to the sheer physical exhaustion at 11  in the morning, to deep sadness +  pain after lunch,  to a further sense of surrender / acceptance for a hysterectomy, then a visit from veronique for a massage, so relaxation + comfort to then go into 4pm + a sense of huge fustration of the present journey, then heavy heart of rage at 8pm tonight, to the walk across the road to again be thankful for all the beauty and the incredible setting red sun + tears released upon return...

My guess is that this process is possibly making me into a deeper, an even more loving , compassionate + fierce person... embracing every aspect of it.

living in gratitude 54 : wanted - stories of women with hysterectomy

2009-04-20T09:09:00.008+02:00

Today's posting is a wanted adverstisement.

I want to speak to women whom have been through a hysterectomy.

So, if you, reader know of someone who has had one, and whom would like to share their story : please pass on my email nat.latham(at)gmail.com

Mmmmmmm.... I can hear some minds humming.

Reason is that my greatest fear today is the surgery of the radical hysterectomy (which I will have mid-May).

At the moment, I am going towards the surgery full of stress + fear. And I want to go to the surgery in peace, as it is the next part of my healing process. (The tumor has decreased. Now it needs to be removed. And my uterus + ovaries, which were fried during the radiation, go with the tumor. )

I know that the peace-towards-surgery I am searching for, will come to me in various manners (chi qong, drawing, general creativity, yoga, pujas, preparing-for-surgery book+cd, therapist, sleep, good food, walks in the park...) but I know another route will be that of knowledge.

The more I know/ understand, the more the fear will reduce. And I believe that sharing stories of the experience of having had a hysterectomy will help me learn + increase this knowledge.

text : from pain to empowerment

***

I was speaking to my friend Bill in Australia, who has journeyed through and cured of cancer ... Together we got the list of questions I need to ask the surgeon on Wednesday :

What should I expect on the first day after surgery, the first week + the first month? How is pain relief going to be dealt with?
Who is responsible?
How is pain relief in recovery taken care of? (The better pain relief, the better healing)
How long does the surgery take?
How long will I be in hospital?
What are the secondary effects?
What are possible complications?
How do we lessen the possibilities of these complications?

... I expressed to Bill, my fear: "I would rather walk to the Artic on my knees than have to go through this surgery..."

Bill replied "you are doing this for the rest-of-your-life ... So the cancer won't be hanging over your head... you will be cured."

Then our conversation went onto : Work out exactly what the fear is. And that is one I am still looking at, but to start with :

the answer for the moment is the text from this drawing:

I fear my body going into trauma AGAIN and SO SOON.
I feel like I am getting my body and mind STRONG AGAIN just to have it knocked down again by surgery.
I fear being cut open + having body parts extracted.
I fear complications.
I fear going under another aneasthetic (yes, another one... I already had 3 general aneasthetics in 3 weeks last month)
I fear the recovery period.
About feeling like I have been feeling AGAIN - having had the wind knocked out of me, feeling weak, depressed...
Concerned about post-operative pain.

***

One THING I do feel good about, is what Bill said, "this will be the beginning of the-rest-of-your-life...
And I know THAT is going to be so much better than my life so far... so THIS WILL BE MY CARROT dangling in front... the light at the end of the tunnel.

Photo of Sylvia creating petal-snow from my favourite cherry blossom tree in the park. She cooked ratatouille for me and we sat under the tree on Friday night and ate her family recipe of ratatouille. I am collecting the recipes of getting-nat-better.

living in gratitude 53 : biennale

2009-04-18T10:14:00.010+02:00

click on image to enlarge

2da. BIENAL DEL FIN DEL MONDO INTEMPERIE
It sounds ironic, actually humourous, considering what I am going through with post-radiation + how I am feeling ...

A video piece I made in China in 2004 of the pollution in Beijing, called EATING UP BEIJING is a part of the "end of the world biennale", opening next week in a huge hangar in Ushuaia (then it tours to Sao Paolo)

the video can be seen with some of my other work (Eating Up Beijing is way down the bottom of the list of vids :

http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=nathalie+latham&emb=0&aq=f#q=nathalie+latham&emb=0&aq=f&start=0

Bienal Internacional de Arte Contemporáneo
del Fin del Mundo

Ushuaia, Antártida, Tierra del Fuego,

http://www.bienalfindelmundo.org/

living in gratitude 52 : breath helping depression

2009-04-17T16:54:00.006+02:00

Today I climbed there stairs in one go... (steadily without having to stop) and today marks that I came home from the hospital exactly 2 weeks ago (it feels like it was three months ago).

Today I recognise how much stronger I am. (this photo is taken on the second floor where there is a chair I usually rest on).

This morning, I woke up at 5.45 am from another nightmare.
After watching a funny movie, it was only 7.30 am... still feeling low I decided to put on my friend, Dorje's QI GONG DVD and did a 20 minute QI GONG session with another 20 minute guided meditation. The experience was moving as I was able to be so focused.

Dorje sells the dvd (it is a practice which got him through a major illness when he was a teenager) on dorje.com.au It is very simple and very effective.

I remember Mitch telling me two weeks ago that I should do some yoga or QI GONG to prepare me for the surgery.

Early this afternoon an Australia friend Louisa (we studied Shiatsu under the same teacher in Kyoto) came to give me some guidance in breathing / passive yoga postures. She had come over early last week and I found the yoga passive postures very comforting, for my body felt supported rather than threatened/in danger.

I told her about the doctor's appointment yesterday at Marie Curie and how depressed I have been feeling, so we really focused again, on passive postures but this time, much more focus was on the breathing. It was a very very empowering experience because, my body felt "safe" (it was well supported by pillows or the ground) and as I focused on the breath, I felt peaceful, centred... the thought kept occuring "the breath will help me out of this depression". I had felt the connection between the nurturing nature of the breath + life, and I felt that my body can be safe.

We only did about 6 postures in an hour - which means a lot of time was just spent being with the "breathing" of each posture... (which is what Dorje's Qi Gong DVD was all about).

I took this photo while lying under this extraordinary cherry blossom tree in my park on Easter Monday. The mother and father of this little new born were hanging out with their babe under the blossoms. The sun was shining between the flowers, and the parents gazed at their little miracle with such awe. A beautiful image of rebirth.

living in gratitude 51 : the tumor is diminishing

2009-04-16T22:23:00.007+02:00

Today went for my first check-up since treatment, the doctor was "very happy" with the physical side ... she could see that the tumor has reduced (and is still reducing since it got radiated to smithereens).

She seemed happy + I cried throughout the consultation. I told her how awful I thought the treatment was, and that the post-treatment was even worse. And I asked her if we could skip out on the hysterectomy.

She said a clear "no".

I knew she would say this... but I thought it was worth a try...

We discussed the relentless fatigue + depression. She said the fatigue was a good thing for me, "to face the sadness I have to go through". She said that if I was healthier and more energetic at this stage, I'd be more likely to avoid the emotional pain I need to evacuate NOW(as I'd be able to run around + away from it, as I have done in the past).

She said that my efforts during the treatment of radiotherapy were perhaps "too good"... that I should have done more crying and getting angry during it...

I said told her I DID cry + get angry during the treatment.

She said "but the nurses said you were delightful... and you really needn't have been. Other patients cry and scream..."

"If you had seen my drawings, I wasn't going through much delight. I felt the only way I could go through that ghastly process was make an entire meditation/ prayer out of it... I really didn't feel like I had range to 'lose it'/ freak out...I did, after all, have a tube of radiation between my legs, going up through me directly to the uterus... and wasn't able to move for six days...didn't feel like it was the the best opportunity for a serious meltdown..."

changing room into my little blue hospital gown...
waiting for my appointment this morning...
°
°

She encouraged me to cry more, go through the emotions("or else you'll be dealing with a greater depression in two or three years... which will be much worse"). She suggested I see a psychiatrist to prepare me for the hysterectomy.

'But I already see a therapist twice a week regarding this cancer!'

"You need to see a psychiatrist in house...one of ours - we want you in a better space of acceptance for the hysterectomy..."

And then she went on to tell me how she understands I DO NOT WANT A HYSTERECTOMY.... (which made me cry more) ...

So all in all... good news on the tumor (which I had forgotten, as I was wiping my tears) + a load of fear regarding the next step (operation).

blood test at Institut Marie Curie - 2 days ago.

Guardian angel Elise is organising the roster of my paris based crew to come + cook each night - a triple whammy as I get to eat delicious food, have groceries done + am assured loving company each day. Here she is with a bouquet of radishes she found at the markets.

Your gifts + cards are VERY appreciated - today I came home from the doctor's appointment at Institut Marie Curie - to find that my letter box was full of hand made peruvian chocolates sent from a dear friend in sydney ... + 2 lovely cards... it put a smile on my face + made the climbing 5 flights of stairs a much easier task.

living in gratitude 50 : acceptance

2009-04-14T23:28:00.005+02:00

This morning Sushumna left to go back to India, so we have started the roster of people coming to cook dinner for me. Tonight Francois came to cook.

We spoke of an incident that happened on my second last day in hospital : my younger brother, David came to visit and expressed that, he had hoped, in coming to see me, that he could "cure" me.

Over the last few days, several people have expressed their inability to do anything for me at the moment (as they live so far away).

With Francois, we spoke of the difficulty of when people do come to visit, or who are far away, feel "helpless" towards me as no one can really "do" anything for me, except, the small gestures of kindness, like a cooked meal, or doing some grocery shopping for me, or sending a card by the post, or posting a gift or a drawing or a cd of favourite songs. We spoke of "what can others do in this situation?"
And we both agreed, that acceptance of what the other is going through is really important.

I had raised this with Sushumna too, as her path is one of service to others. We had spoken of the importance of "compassion". But, as she said, it was difficult to understand what I was going through, as she had not gone through something as traumatic as 120 hours of radiation, nor didn't know someone whom had gone through something as tough as that.

So what do we do ?

I think today (and tomorrow I may have a different answer), the answer would be about letting me "be" tired, "be" weak... because I cannot "be" any other way... thus acceptance...

wonder if that makes sense...

For those who want to be more active in their giving, of course, loving thoughts + prayers help enormously.

But I think now I am at the stage where I would like to focus people's generosity to those near by them (I am particularly talking of people living outside of Paris - as my Paris crew definately are useful for the day-to-day needs), - go and help someone else out who may be in need of a hand (who may live near you) and tell me of the experience. The story / the experience would give me a huge amount of joy - like a domino effect ...

Or sponsor a child (why not?) from an orphanage run in Togo by a woman my age, who is a good friend of my mother: http://www.avenir-togo.org/en/index.php

Reason I say this is, at the moment, I really don't feel a lot can be done for me at the moment from anyone. Just time + patience + self-kindness to recuperate this body from a very traumatic dosage of radiation. I feel I have received so much from so many...

Maybe this sounds a bit mad - but that is how I feel tomorrow (and maybe tomorrow I'll feel like having everyone's loving energy steered my way...)

I've discovered TV series (6 feet under + life on mars) + dvds + and am still drawing + finally starting to read again...

Went to Institut Marie Curie today - my first time I travelled beyond my street since I came back from hospital. (I have photos but cannot find my cable so cannot load them up). It was traumatic to go back to the hospital - I cried when I came out, I just feel so sad about the radiation I experienced there and so sad about how physically low I feel.

The journey there and back was more than enough for me (went by taxi but there was a bit of walking involved) - I could see I had much more energy in my head that in my body... + that the climb up the stairs was indeed challenging...

living in gratitude 49 : easter sunday

2009-04-12T23:38:00.000+02:00

It's Easter Sunday ... and again I cannot sleep (after having done a full moon puja three nights ago  - i actually slept 2 consecutive nights reasonably well...)

I took some photos today but haven't downloaded them... in the meantime a photo from last weekend, Ben came over for dinner dressed in camouflaged pink... against my PINK lotus coloured wall, the camouflage worked wonders...

Still feeling depressed + depleted... but I guess in this part of the process, I just have to be really, really patient.

Today I had an easter morning visit from Berlin/Oz pals + their bub Aidan  (will download pix tomorrow) + an angel called Elise came over a cooked a most delicious spinach pie for lunch.  I have given her the email / phone numbers of my paris based crew - she's organising for a different friend to come each day and cook/ do my grocery shopping until I am stronger.

living in gratitude 48 : more drawings - a week after treatment

2009-04-11T01:36:00.000+02:00

text :
 remember : this process is my cleansing
this will save my life physically + emotionally

text: and now I wonder... is the cancer still there? has it gone?

Text : feeling the need to be comforted.

text : the reservoir of childhood pain

text: depleted

text: emotional fatigue
depleted
feeling sick fatigue
depleted
being sick fatigue
depleted
mental fatigue
depleted
always feeling weak fatigue
depleted
the fatigue they speak about in post radiation
I 'm swimming in it

text : some friends don't even call

living in gratitude 47 : drawing drawing drawing

2009-04-10T12:09:00.005+02:00

text :
getting cancer:
I never imagined it would be a part of my life's scenario.
Yet here I am.

Jane, a friend in the UK suggested a few weeks ago that I write + write + draw + draw + draw...and when I got tired of it, to do some more.... that is what I have ended up doing...

The drawings are definately not upbeat for the moment - but it will give you an idea of the emotional space I have travelled through post-intensive-radiation.

I am putting these up also, to help people who have not gone through cancer, to better understand the process (rather than be fearful of it).

text : nobody told me it was going to be this hard- that I was going to be fatigued mentally, to feel so much emotional fatigue (my heart feels so worn down at the edges), physical fatigue... being sick fatigue : day in day out, morning, evening, waking up in the morning this is how I feel.  The desire to fall asleep in loving, strong arms.

*

Cancer happens to a lot of people, and it isn't a politically correct illness: in the waiting rooms at Institut Marie Curie, it is so obvious that cancer  hits anyone:  the rich, the poor, the young, the old and  europeans, asians, africans, every race...

text : The desire to be COMFORTED

*
If, through my process, I can help you understand a little better so that next time when you hear that someone is going through the process of being treated for cancer, (or you probably know of someone going through cancer -) ...grasp an understanding that it's important to be there for them in the simplest way, that it is vital to go beyond your own fear of what their illness may project onto you.

text : Last night I couldn't sleep.
I remembered a conversation with my oncologist :"could we keep my ovaries after the hysterectomy?"
"No, in any case, the radiation destroys the ovaries."
MY OVARIES HAVE FRIED.

text :
How many hours did I spend on that bed with the radiation apparatus inside? FLAT ON MY BACK
120 hours radiation
7-8 hours on first day awaiting for treatment to begin
8 hours extra- mistake made with daylight saving
8 hours on last day awaiting operation to remove apparatus

TOTAL 143 or 144 HOURS

It is very hard to fall asleep at night.  I keep thinking the radiation machine will turn on again.  click click.click.  But it is not there, I am ALONE in my bed in my appartment.  I CAN'T SLEEP.

living in gratitude 46 : the hard yards

2009-04-07T22:41:00.003+02:00

my natural supplements to strengthen me - a part of the daily dosage
*

Thank you all for your loving thoughts, beautiful letters, sweet emails, thoughtful gifts.

Haven't been able to do the blog since I got back home... the first days were overwhelming, as I couldn't believe how unwell I was feeling.

re-cover
re-store
re-cuperate
re-juvenate
re-generate
re-lease

I am constantly thinking of these words, and I focus on my breath for nourishment.

Am finding everything difficult at the moment. I find it hard to fall asleep at night as my anxiety levels hit high when I lie in bed at night. My anger is high from having had to go through the radiation and feeling as bad as I do... I keep thinking, "it was enough to go through that last week... and now I have to feel this bad each day as a consequence? I felt bad before the radiation... now I feel worse...and weaker..." It is as if there was no reward from last week's mammoth -warrior-efforts... just more focus required to getting the body (physical + emotional) better...

I have never been this physically incapacitated in my life - so it is a whole new ball game.

The big event of my day is that I climb my five floors (only once a day)+ venture across the road into the park - each day, a bit more, a few metres further into the park. It's exhausting to do but I know I need to strengthen myself.

Anything I need from shops, I have to ask around for people to get it for me as the park is the only physical destination I can reach at the moment.

Am doing some Chiqong + very soft yoga postures to comfort my traumatised body. (I really do feel like I am going through a post- trauma after that radiation-marathon.)

Still drawing lots.

I have never had to go through a major illness before - having the flu for a day or running myself into exhaustion is about as far as I have had to go (which means a recovery of a day or two of good sleep...)
NOW It feels like I'm doing the hard yards... it's taking much more than a few days of good sleep to get better... but i'm on the path ,focused and determined + and although the heart feels rather worn down and tired right now... i keep reminding myself that, all this too, shall change.

living in gratitude 45 : settling in

2009-04-04T22:25:00.003+02:00

Here are the photos from yesterday's climb up the five flights of stairs. As I was doing the stairs bit by bit (this was the first 11 stairs, after that I went up with shorter intervals : about 5-7 stairs at a time as my head was really spinning on this first effort).

This is what the flight of stairs looked like from the eleventh step.

resting... waiting to gather the energy for the next exertion.

1 and a half flights to go ... almost there... the hardest part.

and this is what it looks like from the top...

Feeling much better today. But it is odd as I had no expectations of what life was going to be like "after radiation" as I was so focused like the warrior going to battle, that I could only focus on the treatment... And I never ever anticipated, that, after the treatment, there is still soooo much work to do, so much to recover from, to heal from, so much emotion to go through...

Since coming home yesterday, my drawings have all been about one theme: it feels like I have come out of a huge car crash. Every tissue in my body feels the trauma.

Ione + Ben came over for a very early dinner which was lovely.

Please keep sending the moon beams my way, to help me heal inside.

living in gratitude 44 : touchdown

2009-04-03T22:56:00.003+02:00

Touchdown.

It was a very slow climb up the 5 flights of stairs.... stopping every 5 or 6 stairs... having a sit down and waiting, waiting, waiting... it was harder than I anticipated.

No photo today as I cannot find my camera (I did photograph the climb-up as I had loads of time climbing/ sitting...)

I feel rotten.

My body feels so traumatised + depleted.

So the return is not as cheery as I had anticipated - (feeling quietly like a warrior after having gone through that gruelling experience of the radiotherapy had a certain beauty).

I now need to recuperate. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Eat well + keep the joy coming my way.

I am still drawing a lot. Need a new sketchbook.

om om om
om namo narayani

living in gratitude 43 : still in hospital

2009-04-02T22:06:00.007+02:00

My departure yesterday was postponed as I bled in the operating theatre when the radiation apparatus was being extracted from my uturus.

Yesterday afternoon, I sat up for the first time(a dizzying experience) but wasn't able to stand.

text : no more pills, no more injections, no more hospital food,
no more radiation, no more.

This morning I was still weak + having trouble walking in the morning, so my departure got postponed another day.

This afternoon I gathered enough courage to continue to keep getting up and walking a few steps. Sitting and then taking a few more steps...I got to the point that I felt I was strong enough to have my first shower (sitting-down on a plastic chair) in over a week + washed my hair! Talk about the ritual of bathing as a therapeutic exercise!

Then after a snooze (that felt like an enormous exertion of energy), I went for two walks to the garden on the ground floor at the hospital. So now I feel that I'll be able to do the walk to the entrance of the hospital, get the taxi and then slowly climb those 5 flights of stairs tomorrow. I feel I have had enough of everything (my drawings have been about this today) : enough pills, enough radiation, enough injections, enough hospital food.

Really really ready to be home + eat some proper food.

text : la famille c'est le délire

So although I have finished my treatment 2 days ago, I'm still in the same room as when I had my treatment, so it's a bit odd living with the ghost of the last week, the radiation machine is near the wall... all a bit too close for comfort - am really ready to go ...

I'm taking less pills : am only on one anti-biotic.
Less injections: only one anti-coagulant a day.
So each moment does get better... thank you all for the moon-light beams that have been sent my way. keep on sending.

living in gratitude 42 : end of radiotherapy

2009-04-01T20:28:00.005+02:00

Here is the first gesture I did, when i got unplugged from the radiation machine at about 1am this morning: took off my tights (have to wear them to prevent blog clotting) and massaged my legs with baby cream.

I was still not able to sit up because the apparatus was still in place inside my pelvic region but I could lift up and touch my legs.  It was a delicious moment of appreciation of my lovely legs which I hadn't seen or touched all week - when one is on one's back: one's legs seem a long way away...

Last night, close to midnight, I was trying to visualise being bathed by the moon's rays but having so much difficulty to stay focused.

My mind was all over the shop and was physically having difficulty as I felt like my body was slowly cooking - I couldn't stand it.  It was as if my body just got to the point of "NO MORE TREATMENT".  Furthermore, I was supposed to take a whole bunch of pills which i couldn't my stomach felt like a jar of pills.  I felt like I had eaten more pills than food in the last 6 days + I just couldn't take another pill.  So I took one anti-biotic + the strongest pain killer and left the rest on the table.

When the treatment did end, I waited for about an hour to be 'unplugged' from the machine (which was a bit like having the umbilicial cord cut which started inside the pelvic region, went down through the vagina to the machine...)

self portrait : un-plugged and feeling quietly victorious.
after 120 hours of radiotherapy,
after  133 hours of being plugged.


For the hours following I couldn't sleep, it was a few  silent, beautiful hours in the quiet of the middle of the night:  I felt like a warrior who had gone through some intense (initiation) process and had come through the other side.

I woke up again at 4:30 am, left my brother  Yann, a Happy Birthday message : I understood how tired my voice was when I was leaving the message - not sure how he received it: "tell him, I wish him a Happy Birthday, I have just finished my radiotherapy and have my next operation in the morning."  I was snoozing, half awake when the nurse came in at 5:45 to wash me for the next operation (to get the apparatus out of the pelvic region).  I bled when they took it out, so the doctor wanted to survey me a day longer (for which i am grateful as I slept all day and still feel very dizzy and weak).

I sat up for the first time this afternoon at 4.30pm with my little brother david, holding me up.  That was a dizzying feat.  Tomorrow I'll take my first steps in my new warrior form.

Back home around midday - and the next test after taking my first steps, will be : how do I climb 5 flights of stairs???
V E R Y   S L O W L Y ....

For visualisations, keep the moon shining on me.

living in gratitude 41 : final hours of treatment

2009-03-31T20:49:00.007+02:00

I am coming into the final hours of treatment. Tonight at midnight, I will be unhooked off the machine which has been healing me (see above with my sweet toes poking out).

Woke up this morning at 4.30 am feeling in pain and with nausea.  I thought with dread, not another day of feeling crap again... Fortunately by 9.30 am I was back into managing the pain but still feeling a bit on the fried side...

I had two lovely visits today : in the morning, Ben Lee (an australian friend who is on tour and performing in Paris tonight) ,  brought his beautiful presence and was gorgeous company in between treatments (my visits can only be maximum 40 minutes between every 20 minute treatment).

In the afternoon my younger brother David (he's 22 years old) visited  with my mum.  It was the first time he had seen me since I was diagnosed, he looked rather perplexed at seeing his big sister lying on her back hooked up to this machine with a yellow-black RADIATION symbol on it.

I asked him, "is it difficult to see me like this David?"

He responded: "Why is this happening to you Nathalie???"

I told him there were two ways of looking of it :
one was, that I got the HPVirus  and that it is a STD which becomes a cancer tumor when not surveyed with yearly pap smears.  And I was telling him this so that he knew how important it is for the women he knows to have pap smears yearly.

The other way of looking at this was :  everything that happens in life is karma... With every action there is a reaction. 
I went onto say that this is part of my journey and however hard and arduous it has been, I have been learning so much about myself, about my own truth, what I understand to be important + right for me, becoming more aware of my emotional landscape and above all, I have been, for the first time in my life, deciphering and truly listening to my needs (rather than responding to a "gotta be a good girl syndrome/ gotta do things right/  gotta do what is right by certain standards -").

The karma explanation didn't go down so well, and I didn't know how to explain it further to someone who is spiritually curious and open and learning such concepts.

David and mum then to the latin quarter  and AMMAZINGLY Ben passed by  a taxi, with the window open...David called out, Ben heard and they waved to eachother ...  The surrendipidous encounter made me smile.

So this really is the countdown, I have been feeling fuzzy in the head all day and tonight after having a long conversation with D in NYC,  I had the strong feeling that "I have everything I need for the next chapters of my life," that going through this gruelling experience has been a very strengthening journey.  One thing which really stuck for me in the conversation was "you don't need to change anything, just be aware of it."

Tonight at midnight, the radiation machine is turned off and I am unhooked !!!! no more radiation !!! Then at 6 am tomorrow I get woken up to go into the operating theatre, for 8am  to have the apparatus removed from my cervix.  So tonight I'll sleep with the apparatus inside me but it does mean, that for the first time in 6 days i'll be able to lie on my side for longer than 5 minutes ! and will even give a go at lying on my tummy !! how lovely!

I'll spend the rest of tomorrow getting over the general aneasthetic and then, all being well, head home around 5pm.

The next challenge will be to climb the 5 flights of stairs (I have no elevator) to the appartment... After not having used my legs for 6 days that may be a very very slow climb...

A final note, during treatment today, as I have been feeling a bit off most of the time (I literally feel that my body is cooking... too much radiation and too much medication for the little body to cope with), I have visualised myself surrounded by the cooling rays of the moon... so I'd love to have some support of the cooling and  loving  light of the moon around me.  So please keep visualising !

I won't post anything on Wednesday - be back on this blog on Thursday from the comfort of being able to sit up in my own bed...

living in gratitude 40 : 27 hours to go

2009-03-30T20:31:00.005+02:00

A much better day today, I demanded no more morphine as the secondary effects were driving me bonkers. And today I have felt calm (phew) and been painless... it took me all this time to get to this point of pain management (which was the biggest part of these last days).

rose visited and dropped me off a new sketch book (I had filled the other one all up).  New pastels (and new colours) were also delivered.

Today Edo + Jo sang some really beautiful and calming songs for me for an hour via skype (live from Bondi). They have sung in many different places but it was a first to do the skype-Paris hospital connection.

massage oils - I get massaged 3 times a day by the nurses. It has been my favourite moment as it is the only time in the day I get to lie on my side (it only lasts about 5 minutes but it is like 5 minutes of bliss).

This is taken with the zoom from my little camera - most of the day there is a door over the window (so radioactive waves don't go outside) but in the middle of treatment I ask them to open the door so I can see outside the window... and today it was sunny!

drawing : 49 hours - the tears of a lifetime

text 47 hours : the tears of a thirty one year old, the tears of a thirty two year old..... transformation to infinite harmony, infinite peace, infinite love, infinite creativity, infinite success...

text : 50 (hours) the lake of tears overflowed, it flooded, the tears covered up the rage.

living in gratitude 39 : 55 hours to go (maybe..)

2009-03-29T17:01:00.008+02:00

text: 77 hours

In the early hours of the morning, the country's clocks jumped an hour forward : daylight saving took place in France and no-one remembered this at the hospital...

text : 70 hours - the rage

Consequence is that the machine treating me with radiation, which is being switched on by a computer every hour, flipped out when the clocks jumped forward an hour at 2am this morning... and stopped...

I woke up at 6 this morning saying to the nurse how well I had slept! And she replied with a bit of a face... " you slept well because the machine wasn't on ..." It took a few hours for the technician to get out of bed, get to Institut Marie Curie and fix the machine... it was up and running by 9am.

DURGA

But this means that I have to add an extra 7 hours to the treatment and now means that I won't be off the machine now until Wednesday early morning... A few tears were shed out of that feeling when I thought I could see the finish line, then it got moved that much further... and there is that whole mind set having to abandon the expectation that I'll be off the machine when I thought etc etc...

text: the rage the rage the rage - 69 hours

It's become somewhat comical how much more surrendering to this process I am having to go through...

Physically my body is starting to react to the morphine - heavy and cotton filled head + nausea... so it's all very trying...

Drawing remains my favourite form of expression when I am having difficulty (and during the radiation I am listening to the sound therapy machine and feeling it's beautiful vibrations on my heart).

living in gratitude 38 : my nurse Lakshmi Narayani

2009-03-29T07:57:00.013+02:00

Yesterday the new nurse for the next 3 day shifts arrived : an Indian woman named Nara, born a month earlier than I.

My nurse told me that Nara had visited my room a few days earlier, when I was in the operating theatre and after seeing the images on my wall had told her supervisor "I want to take care of her." (I have images of Goddess Narayani + Goddess Durga).

When we met for the first time yesterday, I was enthusiastic about meeting her as her colleagues spoke so highly of her, "you are Nara!".

She replied, "actually my name is Narayani".

The expression on my face must have been one of disbelief (I have never met a woman called Narayani, let alone my nurse in Paris...) as she showed me her badge and there was her name.

She responded "and my full name is Lakshmi Narayani" and said, pointing to the poster (see top photo), when I see that image, I see myself.

(check out Natalie's work, sculptor of the stunning statue in this poster - she specialises in inspired sacred sculptures)

www.nataliecederquist.com

I asked her "do you know there is a golden temple in South India in your honour Lakshmi Narayani?"

She knew of the Golden Temple as her family lives in Chennai, but she hasn't yet seen it. I told her that I have loads of photos on my computer to show her of the temple (I have photographed the temple in detail).

Sri Lakshmi Narayani Temple at dawn - taken late last year.

living in gratitude 37 : 88 hours to go

2009-03-28T03:19:00.012+01:00

i dont have my camera with me today so am photographing with photobooth from my mac.

Feeling drugged out - so I will keep things short here. Drawings : of the process with oil pastels and loving it.

This first is from series of dreams i had leading up to the radiotherapy:
I AM NOT SAFe
the house is not safe
the clan has abandoned.

This one before the treatment began : has words including :
this is a turning point ,
why me,
i don't want this to happen.
i don't want radiotherapy,
is this really happening,
this is the tranformation.

107 HOURS REMAINING
This was drawn in excruticating pain of my back today - it seemed the only way to be able to focus on something than the pain; The words integrated into image include:
dicomfort always
pain,
discomfort no relief
this is really hard
120 hours radiotherapy treament in 6 days
107 hours remain

103 hours of radiation remains

I'm still in constant pain : the word include:

103 hours
this is the hardest physical thing i have gone through
why does this feel so hard?
it hurts all the time
i just want to be able to stand
I will be OK
my back is alwas hurting
only 4 more days

97 hours of treartment left - after getting morpheine
words:
phew this is comfot
i can be calm
no pain
morpheine

88 hours remaining
thank you to all the great healers
the radiation iswhat will heal me
the radiotherapy will save my life
this could have killed me but will save me.
i am falling aseep
was given sleeping pills - they work

my tag i ripped of tonight.

Nat + goddess durga - nat stuck on her back for 120 hours

living in gratitude 36 : 97 hrs of radiotherapy to go

2009-03-27T21:10:00.003+01:00

I am writing this from my bed, flat on my back... not an easy way to eat, grab anything on my side table, to type.... Up until 4 hours ago I was in such extreme discomfort/ constant pain from my back being in the same position (there was no relief because I cannot change position and this was driving me insane...) that I just didn't know how I was going to get through another 4 days flat on my back with no movement. I was having fantasies of being able to get up and go to the loo... and another fantasy of lying on my side for an hour... another fantasy of falling asleep...

Fortunately, four hours ago, I got dosed up with morpheine and feel comfortable/mentally calm for the first time since coming out of the op yesterday. R E L I E F.

Here is a photo I took on Tuesday night before this all started and the machine was still under plastic. This is the machine which is healing me every hour .... + sitting on top of it is a little wind-up tin rabbit with a grassy back drop which we installed. The radiology technicians giggled when they found the little pink+white rabbit.

living in gratitude 35 : a new colour for my blanket

2009-03-25T09:22:00.003+01:00

I am heading in for a week's treatment to Institut Marie Curie today.

This time, I wish for the colour of my blanket to be an indigo/ white glowing with a white aura. So please wrap me up in this blanket of love when you are sending your thoughts to me over the next week.

Tomorrow Thursday is a big day as it is the next operation and the beginning of the treatment. So I would particularly appreciate your thoughts+ when you light your candles to wrap me up in that beautiful blanket of love coloured indigo-white.

This is a photo taken by Mirjam in south Germany in 07, the day after Claudio's birthday when we were tidying up the disco balls in the barn (where we had danced and projected our videos the previous night). http://www.neunplus.com/members/mirjam-siefert

living in gratitude 34 : preparing for radiotherapy

2009-03-25T00:25:00.007+01:00

Dr Jeannin treats cancer patients through acupunture, preparing the patient's body and boosting the immune system for chemo and radiotherapy before and after each treatment. He's got a fabulous reputation. He's another person in the team of people getting me better.

I laughed and said to him that he was putting a load more pins in me than last time : "this is necessary" he responded seriously, "it is to prepare you well physically and mentally for your treatment".

Mmmmm makes sense as I barely slept last night out of anxiety for what I have to go through.

I head to institut Marie Curie at 3PM Paris time today. The bag is packed with lots of creative goodies.

On a phone call earlier today with D from NY, we were looking for the positive points of having 120 hours of radiotherapy in the span of 6 days , being pinned down to a bed and unable to move for the whole 6 days ... I was having difficulty finding a positive aspect to this whole scenario(D had her radiotherapy over 6 weeks and said it was psychologically very difficult).

For a positive point she came up with the following: "this is actually great news : in one week, you are going in with cancer and you are coming out with it being treated. It's only going to take a week and then it is over."

living in gratitude 33 : creating a schedule

2009-03-24T07:31:00.002+01:00

So, how do I organise my mind when I am going to literally be 'pinned down' physically on my back (not being able to get up, nor move onto my side, nor on my stomach) for 6 days ?

I am not yet sure how the procedure works when I get the actual radiotherapy - but I will have 20-25 minutes of radiation and 35-40 minutes break every hour.

So to occupy my mind - I have :
1. books
2. ink for drawing
3. oil pastels for drawing
4. notebook for writing
5. dvds for giggling distraction (which have been lent by friends)
6. FIMO - a german type of plasticine which you can make colourful objects out of + put in the oven to solidify.
7. crocheting (am making Neridah a tea-cosy inspired by Tara's teacosy revolution)
8. camera to photograph with
9. blog to update daily (that will be interesting...)
10. paint + canvas (when I start feeling sorry for myself I refer to Frida Kahlo who spent a long time "pinned" to her bed)
11. white italian clay (which they sell here in small batches)
12. sticky tape, glue, scissors (for collage making)
13. sound therapy machine (one of my saving graces through this process)

+ meditation techniques...

Creating things makes me happy so if any one else has ideas - please send them through.

living in gratitude 32 : date is set + mango x 4

2009-03-23T21:53:00.004+01:00

I received the call from Institut Marie Curie this morning :
I am hospitalised Wednesday afternoon 25 March,
operation under general aneasthetic (to insert apparatus for therapy) on morning of 26 March
commence radiotherapy evening of 26 March
for 5 and half days straight,
24 hours a day with every hour being : 20-25 minutes radiation, then 35-40 minutes break.

So pull out the mango coloured blankets (I know some of you have kept them out all this time) and wrap me in loving thoughts.

The four mangoes in the cardboard box were hand-delivered by Klemens, who returned from a trip to Brazil where he attended a mathematics conference (he also brought vegemite + manuka honey from Australia... as he + his wife T had been to oz before Brazil... he's now on his way to Cambridge then Linz...).
I opened up a mango this morning for breakfast, to find the perfect colour I imagine to be wrapped up in!

2 little medicinal drops wrapped in silk and individually stamped, brought by Anne-Marie from her recent trip to Bhutan.

Living in gratitude 31: swimming between the flags

2009-03-21T19:31:00.007+01:00

Yesterday afternoon I received the phone call from Institut Marie Curie. I will be hospitalised either this coming Monday afternoon or Wednesday... this will be confirmed late Monday morning. This means I start radiotherapy the following day, so, either Tuesday or Thursday...

I must admit, my heart sank when I got the call from Institut Marie Curie... I really thought I had another week up my sleeve to rest and get healthier...

Furthermore, having a call from them is a reality check "you do have cancer which needs to be cured by a very particular treatment".  This last week I haven't even uttered the word 'cancer' and  instead focused every thought on my mantra to living now +  that is "I need to be as healthy as possible on every level : emotionally, mentally, physically, psychologically, spiritually."

Having the radiotherapy be brought 'somewhat forward' is another adjustment.  Another reminder of how I have no control of this situation : all I can do is take really good care of every thought, every action, every thing I eat, keep up my meditation, sleep well... and surrender the outcome.

My friend stuart in melbourne referred my  approach to my daily living as learning to "swim between the flags" (this is a very Australian metaphor for swimming at the beach, where the flags mark the safe zone for swimming + where life-savers are watching over...).

Slept 12 hours last night... that felt really, really good. A friend told me that in Ancient Egypt, when people were healing, they would make them sleep 12-14 hours a day, as the sleep was when the healing was taking place.

Here is the folly in the park in front of my appartment.

Living in gratitude 30: sunshine, receiving + waiting

2009-03-20T11:55:00.002+01:00

I continue to live in gratitude of the beautiful thoughts, letters, cards and gifts I am receiving.

This week: via the post - a shell from Australia ...

along with 2 poems by Tamara Friebel.

Tamara is the author of the stunning poem I posted earlier this year : http://nathalielatham.blogspot.com/2009/01/rawness-of-angel-poem-by-tamara-friebel.html

Some lovely goodies (including 2 books) from J+P in UK.

Am still waiting for a confirmation from the hospital... do I start radiotherapy next week? Or do I get another week to rest and strengthen myself?

Here are some of my favourite flowers sitting on my first-ever dvd player (yep I recently purchased my FIRST dvd player... I still don't own a tv and am playing films which make me giggle on the old monitor I used to edit on... ).

Other favourite flowers are : lilies, lotus, magnolia, passionfruit flower, jasmin...lavender...

The setting sun from the appartment this week has been awe-inspiring (sacré coeur to the right). And the the blue skies of Paris have made my heart smile.
I feel like I have fallen back in love with the city.

living in gratitude 29 : enzo's 7th birthday

2009-03-19T20:48:00.008+01:00

The very adorable and loving Enzo, (the youngest person in my book LOVE IT AND LEAVE IT) - turned 7 years old today! He and his family happened to be in Paris (they are a travelling circus family from Brisbane touring Europe for a few years with Cirque du Soleil).

So we were able to blow out 7 candles on a few éclairs au chocolats + tartes aux framboises in the park this afternoon, later Enzo showed us his Russian dancing techniques.

Here he is with his photo as the bub 6 1/2 years ago on his dad's knee in the same Buttes Chaumont park.

Here is Enzo's big brother José by my window.

José's long-sleeved NYC orange shirt which I like a lot.

And lovely Inés, the sister of the clan.

living in gratitude 28 : resting

2009-03-17T10:31:00.007+01:00

Resting... and listening to music and looking out my window from my bed... and enjoying beauty.

Resting... also because I am still recovering from my over-enthusiasm of last weekend ... having gone way beyond my energy levels... now feeling quite low emotionally and physically. So letting beauty comfort me.

Here is a gift from sophie and jack in melbourne : I particularly like the break-dancing dinosaur solo.

A gift from a friend who works in the Louvre museum : I said i wanted to see beautiful images, so her lovely response has been to go around the museum and photograph her favourite images (as she couldn't find them as postcards).

Here is a painting by Luini of the baby Jesus sleeping (St John the Baptist is to bottom left). This painting can be find in the main gallery, near Da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

living in gratitude 27 : another confirmation

2009-03-16T13:12:00.009+01:00

This morning I received a phone call from Institut Marie Curie: it is confirmed. No radiotherapy this week (and according to the conversation I had at 8PM last Friday night with the head of the radiology department), looks like I will be exempt from treatment for 2 whole weeks... as it takes that much time to re-order the radioactive source from the specified nuclear power plant in Holland... transport it...retest it etc...

I am taking this as another blessing and another opportunity to keep focus on taking care of myself, resting, meditating, visualising, eat ing well, continuing my supplements and further reduce the tumor...

Yesterday, was an amazing spring day in Paris - full sunshine + buds starting to come out. I am now so full of my supplements which Mitch Gaynor (oncologist from NY) gave me + my vegie juices + diet - my energy levels have soared!!! So walked and walked around enjoying the sunshine and the beauty + quietness of Paris on a Sunday.

During my walk, bumped into Philippe and his grandson Nil, at Canal St Martin. Philippe hand printed my photos for my solo show at the National Portrait Gallery + for the book "LOVE IT + LEAVE IT" - Australia's Creative Diaspora.

Philippe's son (Nil's father) and Mona (Nil's mum) are in the background smiling, with bicycle...

I had so much energy, I totally overdid it with the walking... so today am taking it very, very quietly...

om namo narayani
om namo narayani
om namo narayani

living in gratitude 26 : being ok with uncertainty

2009-03-13T17:40:00.007+01:00

I received a call this afternoon from Institut Marie-Curie, telling me that the source of radioactivity is too high to use!!!!

What does this mean? I asked. "That your treatment maybe post-poned by a week, maybe two. But it may happen next week also (but it's unlikely).. we are not sure as we need to do some more tests...
Can you come in at the last minute on Monday, if we get it an aok?" Mmmmmm, I thought. This is quite hilarious ... I told them, either way is good for me and that my priority is being healed.

The head of the radiology dept rang me back tonight to explain - that this has never happened before! And that the "source" (radioactive) comes from an atomic plant in Holland and that new stuff will need to be ordered and that takes a week (at least)... She is very sorry etc... it does not put me in danger... they want the best for me (there I am thinking... cripes that sort of mistake could fry me + bye bye Nathalie...). So I assure her I AM OK WITH THE DELAY, WITH THE UNCERTAINTY - just let them do the best they can.

So off we go into the weekend, I'll prepare my stuff for Monday and see what happens... see if I get that phone call or not.

This morning I was practising meditation techniques which Sushumna was teaching me (as I will need to be quite focused during the 6 days on my back)... so maybe the break-down of the machine will give me more time to work on that aspect... who knows... all a mystery... and a
nother opportunity to surrender...
another opportunity to take it all a step at a time...

Image : the mobile above my bed made by Antonia Pesenti + Tanguy when they were still living in Paris (this was one of the earlier, hand made versions)... very talented designers with a lovely mixture of quirkiness + beauty.
I love mobiles so much as they are beautiful teachers of keeping every aspect in constant flow and balance...

http://www.supermobilet.com

http://www.antoniapesenti.com

living in gratitude 25: radiotherapy coming up

2009-03-12T23:55:00.007+01:00

The news of the reduced size of the tumor has brought to so many people joy! Hearing their joy doubles my joy each time! And it has also really helped me in this journey. Talk about the power of communicating a wish for prayer and support + getting an extraordinary result...

This has really shown me the power of thought, prayer and faith in the most material manner I have ever, ever experienced. On another level, this has been a total journey of surrender: doing all I can within the situation (taking REALLY good care of myself, asking for what feels right for me) and totally surrendering the outcome. On another level, I don't feel I have done much except focus and wait...

Today I had my meeting with the radiotherapist at Institut Marie Curie and she was looking at the results, it was really quite amusing to see her look at the paper in front of her.

Radiotherapist: "Your tumor is quite small."

Me: "Yes! Isn't that good news."

Radiotherapist: "Were you examined before coming here?"

Me: "Yes both in Australia and in New York by a leading Gyno-oncologist."

Radiotherapist: "But did they EXAMINE you?"

Me: "Yes."

Radiotherapist: "How?"

Me: "Opened my legs, they put a big speculum to open my vagina...you know..."

Radiotherapist: "But I don't understand how it is so small now."

I smiled. I thought "hi hi hi....do I tell her that I have had LOADS of people around the world praying for me; wrapping me up in a mango blanket of love; sending thoughts? Do I tell her about the spiritual teacher in South India taking close care of me?"
No... I'll just keep going on with the protocol of this meeting. I am not sure if she'd really get it...(Now I think that on Monday I WILL tell her...)

The meeting continued, another picture of my girlie insides with NOW a much smaller tumor being penned onto the cervix by the doctor... "your tumor is small, it only takes up this part of the cervix... "

Hi, hi, hi... I thought...

She continued to tell me about the radical hysterectomy (not fun stuff but I now feel, but I can only take one step at a time), losing my ovaries (as they will be radio-activated to smithereens), going into early menopause... having hormone supplements for that... I'll still be able to have a sexual life after all this is over (the idea of love-making or even a desire of the idea is the last thing I have on my mind right now... )

Then news came that a woman had cancelled her treatment for next week and if I wanted to, I could start next Monday.

"YES!" I jumped up to the edge of my chair, like an excited child in the classroom. "Let's begin as soon as possible !"

The Doctor was surprised by my enthusiasm.
It doesn't sound like much fun :

Monday - Admission to Marie Curie Institute. Fasting all afternoon and evening.
Tuesday - General Aneasthetic/ op to insert the apparatus up the vagina (yep that is where it goes...) Then in the evening, I get wheeled into my private room where (now get this....)

for 5 days :
Tues night
Wed
Thurs
Fri
Sat
Sun night

I get radio-therapy direct on the tumor every hour for 25 minutes....

I will be lying down for all that time... and won't be able to get up, nor lie on my side, nor on my stomach, nor sit up (I can sit up 45 degrees).... cripes... this sounds like the most intensive retreat I have ever been on...

Mmmm... I will have access to internet, a phone, and a DVD player, I'll also have music, books, and my relaxation machine.... will be an interesting process... so that is where you have it...

So, girls, women, if you haven't had your PAP smear yet... I hope this sort of info is encouraging you to do so and to talk to your friends to get that PAP smear done.... and to send those prayers / loving thoughts/ mango coloured blankets of love to those who are in need and going through their own tough times.

Photos:
on the way to Institut Marie Curie in the car today:
smiling person in car is Sushumna, my 74 year old friend, who is taking care of me while I focus on getting better.
Sushumna is originally from San Francisco and now lives full time in South India.
(My ear is in bottom right of frame)

living in gratitude 24 : the good news

2009-03-11T20:25:00.011+01:00

Where do I start?
Firstly, the amazing news is that the procedure went really smoothly. Thank you so much for your thoughts of wrapping me up in a mango-coloured-blanket-of-love and the prayers done at various full moon pujas conducted around the world (as yesterday was full moon)... I went into the operating room really calm and relaxed and very confident that all was going to be OK. The team who operated on me were in a very good mood.

When I woke up, I felt F_I_N_E...peaceful, relaxed, without pain... which was really important as I have felt really depressed in the past when I have woken up from a general aneasthetic...

The thoughts of love from around the world kept on pouring in and this really helped me to feel aok.

The afternoon before was rather unsettling, as I had been told that I was going in for a celioscopy (to check out the level of cancer cells in the area of the lymph nodes on a microscopic level).

However, when I arrived at the hospital I understood that I was to have a biopsy under general aneasthetic the following day and that the celioscopy was to be in a few weeks... I was upset by this misunderstanding and rather than wait and see, I got on the phone and called around to both surgeons to clarify...

(In the PREPARING FOR SURGERY BOOK - it explains that the patient NEEDS to feel totally OK and informed about what is happening to their body... I was not feeling OK - in fact, quite upset about this glitch of information).
After several calls, I was reassured by both surgeons that it was a biopsy, my main surgeon JN, came and visited me in the hospital at the end of his day to clarify.

My heart sank when he spoke to me... does this mean MORE DELAY to my treatment??? Another operation??

He explained that the biopsy was important to measure the tumor and understand how extensive it was. The tumor had been measured at 4cm by the specialist at NY three weeks earlier. The French surgeons needed to know which exactly the size of the tumor ... was it closer to 4.5cm or to 4cm or to just under 4cm?

"Why? Does it make that much of a difference?" I asked.

"Huge," responded my surgeon. "a 4 cm tumor is twice the size of a 3cm tumor in terms of cell count as we are talking about a diametre of 4cm."

I seemed to understand with a 4cm tumor there was more likelyhood of cancerous cells in the lymph nodes (thus the importance of the cileoscopy).

I was really appreciative of the explanation and the time he had taken with me: the dedicated doctor who takes time out to explain what it happening. It was Monday evening, 7.30 pm when he visited me, which meant his family was having a meal without him.

Yesterday afternoon (cannot believe it was only yesterday...tuesday... feels like a week ago...), the surgeon , S who operated on me earlier in the morning, came in to say that my tumor was .... less than 3 cm! (Remember the specialist in NY had measured it at 4cm)...
After the conversation with JN, my main surgeon, this sounded like

G R E A T N E W S

She said, it's very contained... (and I said to myself and the tumor has shrunk!) and as it is less than 3cm this means that the only treatment required will be radiotherapy.

Me :"What about chemotherapy?"

Surgeon:"It won't be necessary"

Me: "Are you sure? What about the cells that maybe wandering about my body that everyone keeps mentioning??? The lymph nodes?"

Surgeon :"In the hysterectomy, we'll test the lymph nodes but it is very unlikely that we will find anything "

Thinking back on this conversation - I also remember the surgeon saying that the tumor had appeared to be much smaller in the IRM which I did last Friday (wondering if this is why they did the biopsy instead of the celiopscopy... will need to ask at my next meeting).

I came home last night, in a lot of pain (the anaesthetic had worn off).
Sushumna, my friend who has come from India to take care of me over the next few weeks had arrived. Cecile + Valerie (who had picked me up from the hospital went to get me the prescribed pain killers). By the time the pain had subsided, we all sat on my bed and watched Valerie's latest lovely documentary which she has almost finished cutting. (On the way from the hospital I told them that I had over-dosed myself in my hospital with reading about cancer + listening to cds of people talking about cancer as a transformative experience... I wanted to see a film, something which would inspire me, and make me laugh and NOT mention cancer!).

They left and I called Mitch my oncologist in NY to tell him of the news. (Despite the fatigue I HAD to tell him the news...)
"Mitch, the tumor measured less than 3 centimetres in the biopsy!"

He replied extremely calmly (but I could hear the smile on his face: "I am not so surprised. Sakthi Amma does this for my patients all the time. Remember your tumor measured at 4cm by Dr D in NY - that was no mistake. Sakthi Amma has really lessened this for you."

Image of Durga, who sat by my bed in hospital :
Goddess of Protection and Inner Strength

om namo narayani

living in gratitude 23: prepare for surgery

2009-03-08T11:36:00.003+01:00

Tomorrow I head to spend the night at Institut Marie Curie to prepare for my first operation : investigating where cancer cells are exactly. The investigation is done on a microscopic level and will inform the rest of the treatment (how much radio + chemotherapy will be required for healing). The operation takes place Tuesday morning, 10 march.

Today's ode is to Peggy Huddleston who wrote
Prepare for Surgery : How to Heal Faster
www.healfaster.com

Warmly suggested by Lance's mother in Brisbane last month, forgotten about and then reminded by Debra in New York last week... Highly highly recommend it to anyone who believes in the relationship between the mind and body for healing.

The book and accompanying CD emphasise the importance of being 1)relaxed
2)confident in the process and with one's doctors/ surgeons (I am)
3)feeling loved before an operation
(these three qualities greatly contribute to accelerated healing).

One technique is to ask my support network (that is you, who is reading this) to wrap me up in a mango coloured blanket of love as I go into the operation.  (I choose the colour... a favourite...)

So if you are reading this, I ask you to imagine me like this over the next day or two.   I'm a great believer in the power of thought, and I know that so far, people's love from around the world has really made a difference to this process. And please wrap up anyone else in a thought-blanket of love who may need it.

living in gratitude 22: the yo yo + the sacred

2009-03-07T11:02:00.004+01:00

Been going up and down like a yo-yo emotionally.
Yesterday did the IRM and more tests and met the aneasthesist. Felt very off after the IRM. Not sure if it was more psychological or actually physical.

After having felt really strong emotionally in the morning, and then feeling like I had been knocked off the swing by the afternoon with the IRM, I enjoyed being coddled by the company of my friend Kim who took me for a walk through the Jardins Luxembourg, where we sat in the sun.

Miriam my friend from Berkley had stressed that I do every hospital visit with a loved one. Her mum had done the process alone when she was being treated and had deeply regretted having to be along and not giving herself the opportunity to share the moments.

In the evening Carmen, a friend from Ottowa called me to tell me : be grateful for all you are going through.
(Easier said than done when I'm on the down-slope... I thought..)

She is quebecois, so her first language is French: "
Nathalie, toute a une âme. Le rapport entre ton chirugien et toi as une âme. La therapie de la chemeo a une âme. Tout est sacré pour toi. Chaque choses est sacré...ce processus est sacré... tout est là pour t'aider, pour te guérir...je ne subi pas, je m'engage à me guérir "

Translation is that everything has a soul. The relationship with your surgeon has a soul, the actual chemotherapy has its own soul. (This in turn, ) makes everything sacred for you. Each part is sacred. The whole process is sacred for you... everything is there to help me, I don't "put up" with anything, I commit to the healing.

She continued to explain how the body is so wonderful, how it has the capacity to heal, the need to tell the body "je l'aime". And that at times, I won't have a choice but to feel unwell but to even embrace those moments as they are the stepping stones to becoming well. HOW EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON OUT ATTITUDE... the ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE...

At first, I responded "what?????, you have got to be kidding ?!!!!"
I feel more like I am going through a type of "forced" healing. On one level, I know it's all perfect for me to go through what I am going through (the deep inner knowing of self speaking here) and I will be all the better for this emotionally, physically and spiritually. This is the giant-steps-growing of my Life. And then the human side kicks in : depressed, afraid, angry and feeling generally shitty with the whole bloody process.

But the more Carmen spoke to me with her loving voice, the more I heard what she was saying:

Every aspect of this is the sacred journey.
And every aspect of this journey needs to experienced/ seen from the view point that it is sacred.

And to be able to reach that point, is not an intellectual journey. I cannot "tell" myself this. I cannot stay in my "head". Because most of what is in my head is a whole jumble of thoughts and emotions which just takes me around and around. And sometimes there is clarity and then I'm off for another round of emotions and thoughts which spin around like atoms.

I really need to get myself into a relaxed space (the meditation/ relaxing cds are helping me on this). And that relaxed state opens up that space where the deep inner knowing can hear. So this is what I am focusing on the most at the moment.

My favourite coat in various zones of Institut-Marie-Curie.

living in gratitude 21: hospital visits

2009-03-06T08:44:00.006+01:00

Yesterday, my first visit to Institut Marie-Curie in the 5th arrondissement. This is the view when I step out of the building (part of hospital is on the right, and in the centre is the Pantheon).

The Institut Marie-Curie is specialised in cancer treatment... The team is fab. Had another check-up on my present state of affairs, blood test, xray, heart check-up, all in preparation for my first operation next week. I go in on Monday. Op on Tuesday. Out Tuesday night.

In this first op, the surgeon (radiotherapist is present at the operation) goes inside on a microscopic level and checks where else the cells may be playing around... and from there, they decide the level of chemotherapy + radiotherapy.

The blood of humanity : colour deep red

preparations for the first operation on tuesday... is my heart ok?

a lot of waiting for appointments ... my IPOD keeps my mind focused. Am listening to a lot of meditation cds while I wait.

Why, in 2009 are places of healing not filled with any sense of beauty?

Everyone thinks it is amusing I am photographing. It does add a level of fun.

living in gratitude 20: deliveries

2009-03-05T00:01:00.002+01:00

several deliveries today... amongst them 2 which I photographed.
someone (won't mention names) put my favourite cashmere sweater into the washing machine... and it came out the perfect size for a 6 year old. So Sylvia took the damaged favourite garment and turned the sleeves into mittens and the body into my new computer bag (cashmere favourite sweater on the inside and on the outside: material I bought in Beijing for my "speaking through water" piece. )

Sylvia on arrival with her delivery.

First wheat grass delivery from François (he has nominated himself as weekly-delivery-boy of the long grass which can be bought from the store called POUSSE-POUSSE in the 9e arrondissement...)
The grass reminds one of spring and bare feet.

Mitch has put me on an array of supplements from grape seed pips to tumeric to omega to vitamin d... (about 15 supplements)... 30ml of wheat grass juice every two days is also on the list...

And an Eric Satie CD was accompanied by the wheat grass delivery (Francois' profile left of CD and Durga, who sits on my altar : teaching me of strength and protection).