05 December 2009

living in gratitude 79 : learning patience

text: the pain
the trauma
the trauma is still in my body

This morning I sat in my meditation and spoke to myself softly, saying "Nathalie you are really going to need to be patient here. Patience is really required."

I have been so fustrated over the last weeks that I am still in recovery mode, and yesterday after a conversation with a friend, reminded me yet again of that point of patience and acceptance of this is where I am at and to be grateful for this. Sure I still feel numb in the lower part of my stomach/ pelvic area and I get numbness and pain in my legs after walking and I get tired really quickly but this time next year I will feel different, I will heal, and to remind myself to be gentle with this traumatised body rather than curse it for feeling weak or numb or in pain.

So tonight I went for a walk, as usual, I had a lot of pain and numbness in my legs. Usually, I stop to sit and wait until the pain and numbness subsides but tonight I kept walking, talking to my legs, saying to them "I know it's painful, but if I can just keep breathing into you, keep giving you energy, and one day you will feel better, it won't feel like such a huge task as it does right now..." The pain seemed more manageable.

Nicole also said to me, just the fact that you have survived this, that you will be well one day, you'll be a living testimony which will help others. This feels like a long long way off... it's helpful to be reminded.

The slowness of this road is remarkable in how it's teaching me to be patient...and to learn to be kind to myself. I've never given myself time like this before. And here I am, quietly forced to...

these drawings were done with pencil last month

text : 7 months after surgery
still feeling vulnerable
coping level is low
in need of tender loving care

text : not coping with interaction

I have no sense of what I would like my future to be. This year I died a thousand deaths. Dying is lonely and it isn't. Still in Shock.

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