These last two weeks have been a real challenge - sometimes I get so impatient with still feeling unwell, still feeling exhausted, still being so physically limited with what I can do within my day ... sometimes it drives me so crazy, I end up in tears out of sadness and fustration. I can hear myself saying "I should be feeling better by now!".... "why I am still feeling this tired?"... "when am I going to start feeling that I can do things more normally?"... "I feel so foreign in this body ..."
And those questions just DO NOT HELP ME.... it pulls me in tighter and I become more fustrated and upset. Which, of course makes me more tired.
And then I try to remind myself of the gratitude of having been so ill,of this slow recovery process, of what it is teaching me. I lie in bed or on the floor on my yoga mat and remind myself how this illness has stopped me in my tracks to teach me stuff that I would never have stopped for. Because I was always running. Running after something or running away from something.
And when I get into that space of surrendering to the physical limitations I have now, it's a whole new feeling. It feels more peaceful, more accepting, patient and kinder.
And those questions just DO NOT HELP ME.... it pulls me in tighter and I become more fustrated and upset. Which, of course makes me more tired.
And then I try to remind myself of the gratitude of having been so ill,of this slow recovery process, of what it is teaching me. I lie in bed or on the floor on my yoga mat and remind myself how this illness has stopped me in my tracks to teach me stuff that I would never have stopped for. Because I was always running. Running after something or running away from something.
And when I get into that space of surrendering to the physical limitations I have now, it's a whole new feeling. It feels more peaceful, more accepting, patient and kinder.
photos from boy's orphanage - we visit an orphanage each Saturday night and bring a good hearty meal. Last saturday the boys greeted us with music and stilts.... the stilts reminded me of how I feel a lot of the time.
3 comments:
I wrote a long comment but when the pc asked me mo digit the 'word verification' it said HoPe.
I deleted all my words, what else is there to be said if not 'HOPE'?
x
Time to create a new 'normal' Nat...xxx
My Dear Nathalie, There is no way you can see yourself and the beauty of your observation of your journey throught this fear, anger and acceptance. I slow down and notice the world around me so much when I read your posts. Your posts and you are truly eloquent and honest and truthful. Fotofest is starting up for the Biennial, and I think of when I was first graced with knowing you. I am more graced now than then. I love you. Beverly
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