04 December 2009

Living in Gratitude 78 : fustration and surrender

These last two weeks have been a real challenge - sometimes I get so impatient with still feeling unwell, still feeling exhausted, still being so physically limited with what I can do within my day ... sometimes it drives me so crazy, I end up in tears out of sadness and fustration. I can hear myself saying "I should be feeling better by now!".... "why I am still feeling this tired?"... "when am I going to start feeling that I can do things more normally?"... "I feel so foreign in this body ..."

And those questions just DO NOT HELP ME.... it pulls me in tighter and I become more fustrated and upset. Which, of course makes me more tired.

And then I try to remind myself of the gratitude of having been so ill,of this slow recovery process, of what it is teaching me. I lie in bed or on the floor on my yoga mat and remind myself how this illness has stopped me in my tracks to teach me stuff that I would never have stopped for. Because I was always running. Running after something or running away from something.

And when I get into that space of surrendering to the physical limitations I have now, it's a whole new feeling. It feels more peaceful, more accepting, patient and kinder.

photos from boy's orphanage - we visit an orphanage each Saturday night and bring a good hearty meal. Last saturday the boys greeted us with music and stilts.... the stilts reminded me of how I feel a lot of the time.


Anonymous said...

I wrote a long comment but when the pc asked me mo digit the 'word verification' it said HoPe.
I deleted all my words, what else is there to be said if not 'HOPE'?

Fun with Chip...or Dale? said...

Time to create a new 'normal' Nat...xxx

Anonymous said...

My Dear Nathalie, There is no way you can see yourself and the beauty of your observation of your journey throught this fear, anger and acceptance. I slow down and notice the world around me so much when I read your posts. Your posts and you are truly eloquent and honest and truthful. Fotofest is starting up for the Biennial, and I think of when I was first graced with knowing you. I am more graced now than then. I love you. Beverly