I lived life at a high speed, afraid I would miss out on something : there was so much happening in the world, and I wanted to be a part of it. I was healthy and strong, so I was able to push myself far.
This year I was forced to stop. While I was going through my treatment, although I was grateful that the treatment was curing me of cancer, I also cursed it for depleting my physical and emotional body. All of a sudden I 'got' what it meant to live with a body that was very weakened. I experienced what it meant when each step, each movement was a huge physical effort. It was like crossing into a grey area I had completely ignored: learning to have compassion for those with physical ailments (whether due to old age or illness).
This year I was forced to stop. While I was going through my treatment, although I was grateful that the treatment was curing me of cancer, I also cursed it for depleting my physical and emotional body. All of a sudden I 'got' what it meant to live with a body that was very weakened. I experienced what it meant when each step, each movement was a huge physical effort. It was like crossing into a grey area I had completely ignored: learning to have compassion for those with physical ailments (whether due to old age or illness).
Now, I'm so grateful that I have been forced to slow down. To take life at its pace, rather than at my previously, frantically chosen pace. It's given me a very new way of looking at life and relating to people, this, in turn, deepens my appreciation for E V E R Y T H I N G.
photos from this year's Diwali - India's festival of light (the equivalent of Christmas in terms of families coming together and celebrating).
photos from this year's Diwali - India's festival of light (the equivalent of Christmas in terms of families coming together and celebrating).
1 comment:
Dearest Nat,
I'm so happy to see you writing on your blog again, I've been wondering how you are finding your recovery process and checking your blog often.
I want to write lots of flowery, poetic, emotionally supportive things about focusing on the white lillies/lotus flowers that bloom in the deepest parts of one's soul and keep one going through pain and fear, though I'm afraid it will just sound twee...
I really do believe that you're a strong person and that the recovery process is meant to take a long time, otherwise it might be too easy to fall back into old habits and not fully grasp the depth and breadth of one's own spirit, soul, self...and what it is that you really need in life, for yourself.
I'm not pretending to understand the pain or process you have been through & I can see how deeply its affecting you- though I can say that I know what it feels like to have been taken to the very depths of my soul and to have had to face myself and accept , embrace and re-emerge into my life a richer person for this process (and for very different reasons).
You're undergoing a rebirth and I don't think its meant to be easy. I know this probably doesn't help and I really cannot comprehend what the whole illness and recovery process has been like for you, only by reading your own words.
You have so much love and support around you from so many people, and more importantly, from yourself, that I really believe that through all this pain and difficulty and emotional exhaustion you will emerge quietly victorious, soul intact and blossoming...and in the meantime enjoy the process and the rest, its so important and essential.
As guy Ritchie said in a recent interview, "we have to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable (pain is an illusion)"
...don't know if I can master that at the moment!!
I've recently found out that I'm pregnant, which is a total shock...so now I'm facing one of my biggest fears, being a mother-artist, and making it work somehow....and the 'learning to let go' bit I fight all the time, even though if I can just accept it'll make the whole process much less stressful (I hope)?
I'm reading a really great book called The Divided Heart; Art and Motherhood by Rachel Power, so this is like my guidebook!
Sorry, this is all very personal, I ought to have sent an email though I'm not sure which one you use anymore?
Sending you much love and gratitude for your friendship and kindness.
Love Tara, Rainier & the bump. xxxxx
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