living in gratitude 73 : integrating new information

text : He said "the results are perfect."
I didn't hear him, my friend who had accompanied me to the appointment said to me,
"Nathalie he just told you of your results."
"Really?"
"Yes the results are perfect."
Are you sure? there is nothing? nothing? nothing?
"Yes"
I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing.
May 27 2009


text : I couldn't absorb what had happened. After the appointment with the doctor. I kept asking my friend.
"WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?"
"DID HE REALLY SAY? THE RESULTS WERE PERFECT?"



text: As I stood in the street the sense that I was OK started to appear with me. I felt such quiet gratitude + I felt very humble.


text : I got back + I felt exhausted. I lay on the bed. I could feel the lightness appear in my body
the dread, the anticipation, the heaviness of the sentence
I didn't realise how heavy, how much weight I had carried.

text : the sense of relief + lightness settling within

text : I was feeling the lightness enter my body

text: At first i would ask WHY ME?
And I'd look at all those faces in the waiting room at INSTITUT MARIE CURIE + see how ANYONE could be diagnosed with cancer.
young, old, fat, thin, glamorous, ordinary, man, woman, black, white, asian.
ANYONE
there was NO PREJUDICE
so I would understand
WHY NOT ME?
it could be anyone
ME INCLUDED

And yet today - I was told the results were perfect. And I know lots of people who didn't survive cancer. And I asked WHY ME?
WHY DID I ESCAPE
WHY WAS I RELIEVED