living in gratitude 71 - anticipation of the results

This afternoon the sun came out and this reflection from the window appeared on the ceiling... it was quite magical... I haven't seen it before... I have been anticipating tomorrow... thinking I just cannot go through anymore treatment - I have had it. When I am calm inside, I know I have to surrender to the outcome.

text: the anticipation of results tomorrow is the day I find out the results from the surgery... am I clear?


text : depleted I had a really good day on Saturday... I thought I was going to be fine to head home... then Sunday I spent the whole day in bed....Monday still feeling depleted... I read up that this is a part of post-hysterectomy surgery - 2 steps ahead and 1 step behind. So after my great ambitions of heading home on last weekend... seeing how I am each day...

text : Before all this happened, I was constantly DOING doing
And today I felt, there are many things I want to do in this second lease of life. Many ways i want to contribute to humanity. But that right now I cannot DO a thing.

All I can do is rest, is breathe in gently to my wounded, depleted body and feel the support my body gets from the ground or the bed and the pillow. This is all I can do.

text : feel the support under your body.

This is my other mantra, each time I think of how the earth, the ground, the bed is supporting the parts of the body that is touching the earth, the ground, the bed. The feeling that my body is safe, that I am being protected, helps to keep me calm + grounded.

text : Tomorrow's results need to say I'm OK.
I just don't think I could go through more treatment.

yesterday :
mint tea with Pascale at the Mosque across the road from Rose's.
P's visit was a big step up - as I finally felt I was having pleasure in doing something 'normal' like having a tea out.
(After the tea, I recuperated by having a lie down back at home + chatted to P from my bed - she's just been back from 2 months in west Africa researching her next film so was full of stories + had me giggling).

It's been excruciating these last weeks because I haven't been able to feel pleasure in the small things - even a walk in the park has been "effort"... then a few days ago I started to enjoy the flowers more...

Home-made sushi delivery by Elise tonight.

Simbad a friend from my time in Berlin, wrote to me today from Brazil saying that he thinks of me each day as he does sun salutations...when we both lived in Berlin he would come over for breakfast + yoga-sun-salutations with me in my giant art studio in Berlin... + that thought warmed me as there is SO MUCH good will from so many people around that world that I am better... that these results really need to be AOK...