20 May 2009

living in gratitude 66 : sketchbook # 9


text : butterflies
(There was definately feeling apprehension... the butterflies were ones of the stomach, not the narayani transformative ones... well there were transformative ones too I suppose, without me realising it...)

***

I haven't uploaded any drawings since surgery, so thought of sharing them.

Here is my ninth notebook of oil pastels, done the night before + day after surgery.







text : the day before

text : tomorrow


text : this will be my 4th general aneasthetic in 6 weeks

T + K came with me today - thank goodness for their company- loving presence.

single dose bottle of 130ml
solution pour application cutanée
uniquement sur ordonnance
betadine scrub 4%
respecter les doses prescrites
Xanas 0,5 mg alprazol



text : Tonight I photographed myself in the hospital bed. It is the 3rd May and I thought they'd be my last portraits of me with a uterus and I saw myself , there was a look I hadn't ever seen. It was something like a place I had never been to before. BUT MY EYES SHOWED I HAD BEEN TO THAT PLACE. IT WAS DEEP + IT WAS A PAINFUL PLACE. IT WAS A PLACE WHICH TAUGHT ME GRATITUDE + APPRECIATION OF THE INVISIBLE WIND PASSING THROUGH THE LEAVES + TREES. OF FRIENDSHIP. OF DESPAIR OF GRIEF. OF HOW FRAGILE HOW STRONG HOW SHORT, HOW COMPLEX, HOW SIMPLE LIFE IS.
A PLACE WHICH showed me LOVE LIKE I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE.

text : I want to remember this level
of GRATITUDE OF APPRECIATION
OF THE
soft heart
OF
taking the time
to really feel the moment.




when I was diagnosed in january I didn't know how advanced the cancer was (actually I still don't know... we'll know more tomorrow)

and I thought as I sat by the doctor's desk,
IS THIS HOW I'M GOING TO DIE?
IS THIS GOING TO KILL ME?
is this going to kill me?

and now I'm at institut marie curie in Paris. 2009 May 3
Who would have guessed?
on the eve of my hysterectomy
THIS ALL MAKES ME REALLY WANT TO LIVE A FULFILLED LIFE.


***
the next images were done the day after surgery (5 May):



text : PAIN
difficult to do anything :
to get up
to turn over

the day after
it hurts

18 shots of morphine self -administered



text : withdrawn from it all
is it over?
is it over?
is it over?

(With this drawing, I had a huge sense of being so withdrawn from Life, living, doing normal stuff, being in the land of the living ... still feel that sensation everyday but here it was a really really crystal clear feeling, lying from the hospital bed + looking out to the sky .)



text : I keep being told
YOU'VE DONE IT - YOUR TREATMENT
BUT I DON'T FEEL VICTORY
JUST CUT OPEN STITCHED
HARD TO BREATH DEEPLY

EXHAUSTED
WHAT A TRIAL

text : 2 weeks of waiting for final results
is the cancer in the lymph nodes?

3 comments:

dilek cansevgisi said...

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair..." /khalil gibran said what i longed to tell u my dearest & nearest nat!.. come out soon sister, we have lots of playing in the backyard of the magnifcent earth!..u r always in my thoughts, much love & light-dilek

Mlle La Revolution des Cache-Pots said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mlle La Revolution des Cache-Pots said...

Dearest Nat, (tried to fix a spelling mistake in the first comment and had to delete it all!).

If you're roaming the streets....http://www.merci-merci.com/
looks really interesting (I know, I mean materially interesting rather than spiritually-meaningfully interesting). If you are thinking about coming to play in Aus again in the warmer months, please consider coming to stay in Tas for a little while...there's so much loveliness to share here, and being so close to the raw, natural world can feel so uplifting and grounding, at the same time.

All my love and thoughts and wishes for robust health, a sound recovery and a redolent future filled with balance, love and creativity.
Bisous, Tara xxxx